Trump EBR Agusta Motorcycle Company

John Burns
by John Burns

Liquid Asset Partners, MV Agusta and Trump Industries LLC today announced plans to form an international motorcycle manufacturing consortium “that will be huge,” according to Donald Trump, who is also in the running for a starring role in another network reality show in addition to being the leading Republican candidate for President of the United States. “No more bad deals,” says Trump, “no more being played for fools by the Indians, the Chinese or the Milwaukeeans.”

“We’re going to get the best people to put this thing together,” said Trump, whose interest in and knowledge of motorcycles is typical of the expertise and discernment he brings to all his business endeavors. This won’t be Trump’s first involvement with high-end motorcycles; pre-existing relationships with West Coast Choppers frontman Jesse James, and the Orange County Choppers’ Teutels, have given Trump solid footing in the motorcycle business.

Trump grinds the sidestand of a huge OC Customs chopper onto Paul Teutel’s right big toe. No complaints. No losers.

This news comes to MO exclusively from New Jersey correspondent Andrew Capone (no relation to who?). Capone’s relationship with New Jersey businessman Bruce Belfer, who last year almost bought Erik Buell Racing but has not been convicted of any of the other charges, led Capone to the source of this breaking, excuse us for one moment… never mind! Capone knows nothin’! This information comes from a very high-placed source who provided it to MO on condition of anonymity. Bada-bing!

Yes, we’ll have eight Shirley Temples, please.

Though MV Agusta’s headquarters will probably remain in Italy, reducing labor costs may be achieved by moving production to Trump’s parking garage in Atlantic City, built around an old lady’s house that would make an outstanding MV souvenir shop which will be staffed by Giacomo Agostini’s grandchildren, of whom none of the 846 are currently employed.

Possible future home of MV Agusta? Photo by Fran Kuhn.

EBR production will probably remain in Wisconsin, though there is some talk of building a wall around that state to protect American workers from fleeing its substandard conditions. Moving production to MV’s plant in Varese, Italy, is another option but it’s feared that EBR employees, accustomed to harsh arctic conditions and constant stress, simply wouldn’t return to work after Italy’s traditional month-long August vacation, and would eat up all Italy’s Socialist-state welfare benefits lounging around the Mediterranean and drinking wine all day like people do.

MV Agusta President Giovanni Castiglioni is scheduled to meet with Trump and Italian Prime Minister Matteo Renzi as soon as possible to let their wives and/or designated hitters hash out the details of the deal in a new NBC reality show tentatively titled “Whose Balls are They Anyway?”

Meanwhile in Mukwonago, Erik Buell says he’s reached a near-Zen state of uncaringness that could only be improved by having Trump replenish the retirement account he depleted trying to repeatedly revive his motorcycle company in the face of various nefarious business deals, and having Trump replace the bearings in his Jacuzzi pump: “My back is killing me,” Erik said when reached for comment, “Hot air is useless, but high-pressure jets of hot water are miraculous.”

“Let’s make America great again,” said Trump, “starting with World Superbike. If we can make it there, we can make it anywhere. Getting Jules Cluzel and MV Agusta together with Erik Buell, Paul Senior, Jesse James and Kat von D, is just what the rest of the world doesn’t want. Or Megyn Kelly! It’s pathetic!”

More on this breaking story as it becomes available or we have more cocktails.

John Burns
John Burns

More by John Burns

Join the conversation
2 of 14 comments