The adults have conspired to keep the grommets out of the streets until the age of 18, but that's OK, because nothing spells fun like a homemade mini-bike with a lawnmower engine and some wide-open spaces. I myself can fondly recall zipping around at the age of 6, eating my Dad's dust and trying to chase him over obstacles for which my suspension-less steed and I were woefully unprepared. One pothole in particular shot my still-hairless buttocks up into the air in what I claim to this day was a perfect Superman aerial maneuver. I'll confess to a less than perfect recovery though, as my feet were nowhere to be found when I needed them, and I landed with my belly on the seat and my legs still straight out behind me. My troubles were only just beginning, however, as my death grip on the handlebars kept the throttle held wide open as I rapidly picked up speed. I remember thinking that the longer I held on, the worse I was gonna eat sh*t, but that the sooner I let go, the sooner I was gonna eat· KABLOOIE! My decision was made for me, as I hit a small berm and went flying head over heels, creating a truly impressive cloud of dirt, especially considering my still underdeveloped gravitational mass. Like a computer trying to reboot itself after a crash, I began to take stock of my various limbs and digits, finding to my amazement that I had been left virtually unscathed. Then I began to feel something wet and warm running down my arm. It had taken awhile for the blood to begin seeping through the caked-on dirt, but there it was, a nice gash along the backside of my forearm. I was so amped up on adrenaline that it didn't even hurt, and I remember shifting rapidlyfrom scared sh*tless mode to cracking up laughing at myself. I still have that scar as a souvenir of my first gnarly get-off.

Let's face it, something about playing in the dirt is innately funny, and there's no hooligans like dirt hooligans.

On the street there is always fear of The Man, or some blind cager, or that hard-looking pavement hanging over your good time, but in the hinterlands, the only thing to fear is your own stupidity. So I say, "Let the stupidity begin! Bring on the Dirt MOronathon"!

Crusty Demons: Nine Lives

Music: 5 Assuming you've watched the first eight Crusty's, its got all the alternative, punk, and neo-metal you've come to expect. Someday they'll make a Crusty that features Yo Yo Ma and Andres Segovia... but not today.

Comedy: 5 Not that there aren't any laughs in CD9, but it's a mime troupe kinda thang. This DVD was a dialog-free zone with the singular exception being a brief skit with Bubba and some kids in which he tries to leap a 7-foot gap with a mini-chopper and faceplants violently. Pretty hilarious actually! The boys have a good ol, fashioned fireworks fight in the Utah sand dunes. Then there's some Flugtog footage in which teams build parade float-like flying devices that stand zero chance of actually flying, and dump them off the Santa Monica Pier. Oh and let's not forget my personal favorite slapstick moment in which a stripper flat out decks a guy that musta touched something he wasn't supposed to touch. He won't make that mistake again. That is if he remembers what happened when he comes to.

T&A: 4 I suppose a short clip of scantily clad chicks racing monkey 50s counts for something, but overall I found the female anatomy content to be disturbingly PG. I've found myself more aroused watching Josie and the Pussycats reruns on Cartoon Network. Mmmm... Melody! Stunts: 8 Of course the quality of these fellers, dirt skeelz is beyond compare, but really the only new stunt on display was Deegan & Pastrana at the X-Games throwing horizontal 360s for the first time in history. Of course, this represented a watershed event in the world of freestyle, not to mention the world of physics, so that counts for a couple of points. Oh, and I suppose I have to give credit for Ryan Capes launching 260, for a new long jump record too. Oh, OK, so the stunts were pretty good!

Crashes: 8 Here is where CD9 really shines. The opening sequence jumped right out at me with the full-on Jackass treatment usually reserved for a grand finale. Lotsa cringeworthy faceplants, a wide variety of crashes (skateboards, bmx, off roofs). My favorite was the guy trying to jump his bike up onto a rooftop coming up short and getting a face full of storm drain. Excuse me, is there an orthodontist in the house?! Lots of ghostrides where hooligans intentionally pin the throttle and bail, launching bikes off of jumps to their imminent demise. The OEMs must be thrilled. They,re shooting rider-less bikes into the air just to see them crash. We get blackballed for a year if we drop a scooter.

Overall: 7 In dirt video circles, Crusty stands for quality, and this go round is no exception. They go the extra yard with exotic location shots on a beach in the Dominican Republic and illicit footage from Australia of the Crusty Global Assault World Tour that was blackballed stateside. CD9 features all the usual suspects like Clowers, Twitch, Hart, and Enslow. Variety is the spice of life, and in addition to the dirt bikes, off-road Baja racers and truckees that get thrown in, even (gasp) street stunters make an appearance! There's a general theme of destructive behavior but it got an "OK for teenagers 13 and over" rating from a single-mom I know who actually has a 13 year old, so consider this a "hooligan-lite" viewing experience.

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50 Nuts

Music: 5 A Punk/Alternative Rock soundtrack. What a surprise! Chant along with me, "We want Yo Yo"!

Comedy: 7 Are you kidding me? These are grown-ish men riding around on monkee 50s. How can that not be hysterical?! Monkee 50s running rampant in a wide variety of places of business. A numbskull named Buzz seduces the object of his affection by running her over. A guy named Eryck (painfully) quests for a successful 360 horizontal spin accompanied by the theme from Rocky. Urban terrorism abounds in all of its rich and varied forms. A lecture in responsible behavior from Da Man is accompanied by dubbed-in farting noises. Oh, and then there is the profoundly graphic projectile vomit montage. Dennis Miller fans will not be laughing. South Park fans will laugh so hard they may just puke along.

T&A: 9 50 Nuts provides viewers with record amounts of fully exposed "T" for a hooligan vid. If you are an adult over the age of 18, this is a very good thing. And if you aren't, then it's even better.

Stunts: 5 Hey, I can't put noodling around on monkee 50's in a class with horizontal axis 360s, but if it can be done with a 50, you'll see it here. You get highbar jumping. lots of rhythm section dirt jumps, even a back flip off a vert ramp.

Crashes: 4 Hey, when you,re only doing about 10 mph a couple of inches off of the ground, how bad can you wreck? Well, a trip to the Ontario Ice Center skating rink served as the ultimate proof of that pudding. One dude face plants off of a two-foot ramp they brought and wrecks his entire face with a broken nose, split lip, lost teeth, and blood everywhere. Bravo lil, Einstein!

Overall: 7 Before the opening credits even finish rolling, we've got "T", "A", comedy, and assorted other 50 nuttiness. I coulda stopped there and been happy. The abundance of footage shot in my Santa Monica backyard makes this flick that much nearer and dearer to my heart as well. Owners of 50 Nuts will witness rampant hooliganism at its finest, but due to the preponderance of nudity and other graphic content, this vid is not really suitable as a Christmas present for your teenager's consumption. It is, however, the ideal gift to purchase for yourself and hide in the "secret spot" where you stash your porno mags that you know your teenager already knows about, so he can find it and geek out on all the debauchery without you feeling like a bad parent.

Higher Ground If you haven't seen what this looks like, it's going to blow your freaking mind.Music: 3 There's a metal soundtrack that flickers in from time to time, but this vid is really more documentary in nature with lots of voiceovers.

Comedy: 2 True, there is a tragi-comic clip of a guy who falls down and spills a cooler of beer, and we do get to watch the natural selection process at work as baby hillclimbers as young as 4 years old try to eliminate themselves from the gene pool. But lets face it, overall this is not a funny movie.

T&A: 1 There is none. Zip. Nil. Nada. I just gave them a "1" to be nice.

Stunts: 7 Let me put this in context. These guys take dirt bikes, extend the swingarm, add paddlewheel tires, and stuff bored out streetbike or snowmobile engines into them, and then launch themselves up 90 degree cliffs. If you haven't seen what this looks like, it's going to blow your freaking mind. As Robie Peterson, who runs a 1500cc H-D engine burning a 60% nitro, 40% methanol mix and turning out 200hp puts it, "If you can hang onto it, it'll take you up pretty much anything"!

Crashes: 9 I've got one word for you: "catchers". These guys use steel hooks tied onto a rope, which is anchored on top of the hill, to rescue bikes and riders before they pick up steam and tumble down the mountain. According to one of these dim bulbs, "Our job is to save money and hopefully body parts." He was obviously not referring to his own. Higher Ground serves up utterly amazing footage of catches, misses, and tumbles in which bikes, riders, catchers, dirt, and the occasional boulder all go avalanching down the hill together. I would strongly recommend popping a Vicodin and pounding a few shots of Wild Turkey before watching the wipeout section at the end.

Overall: 7 What started out in Billings, MO in the 1920's has now evolved into a sport that really has to be seen to be believed. In addition to the action footage, the flick offers interviews with champion riders such as Travis Whitlock, Dusty Beers, Robie Peterson, Brandon Whitlock and 38 year old Mel Kimball. The setup of their bikes are also discussed in some detail. All of this combines with the mind-blowing action footage to provide an excellent overview of a truly amazing corner of the motorcycle universe.

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Blackwater Forever

"If you don't have anything nice to show, don't show anything at all."

Music: 1 Well, I suppose there is the occasional plinking of a banjo string for background, but this flick pretty much plays as straight documentary. Which is just fine because 5 hours of banjo music would have made me want to get really drunk and stand in a muddy swamp getting run over by ATVs and dirtbikes. Hmmm, funny how that works.  

Comedy: 5 First of all, you have to understand that the whole premise of Blackwater is audience participation in an outrageously brutal offroad racing event. Ric Matteson took second place in 1991 while being towed across the finish line by a fan's ATV after his chain broke. The judges let it stand! So with that sort of "Rules, we don't need no stinkin, rules" attitude, this is naturally fertile ground for funny. To begin with, the spectators are fickle friends/foes. As the narrator warns, "Rule number one: don't listen to the spectators, because they are there to be entertained at the riders expense. And never trust one with a camera"! Some spectators known as "derelicts" even went out of their way to pile boulders at the few logical exit points to the water traps, just to make life that much more miserable for the riders. The spectators are however a necessary evil, as they are frequently called upon to help push, pull, or dig the riders out of trouble, often incurring substantial collateral damage to their wardrobe, hair, and human dignity along the way. A few of my favorite gaffes include the rocket scientist who tries to grab the front of an ATV to help it over a hump of moon rocks. When the vehicle starts rolling backwards, rather than let go like a sober person would do, he hangs on instead and gets dragged across the rocks, using his gonads as friction brakes. Then there's the genius who goes to rescue a rider who's ATV is hung up on an underwater boulder in a 3 foot deep creek. He has a beer can in one hand, which he sets on the fender (for about half a second) until it falls into the water and begins floating away. Then after rescuing the ATV, the fan looks about for his beer, mystified, as if he expected to find it safe and sound somehow.

T&A: 1 Considering the caliber of local talent in West Virginia, the editors thankfully chose to use, "If you don't have anything nice to show, don't show anything at all", as their rule of thumb.

Stunts: 7 OK, so there aren't any stunts of the superman seat grab variety, these riders go blasting through mud bogs, blazing through forest, and bounding over moon rocks. I'm sure that given a ramp and a long enough runway, any of these fearless warriors would take a crack at whatever the guy before them tried to do. And if not, there'd be someone right behind him who would.

Crashes: 7 While there are plenty of crackups trying to climb the moon rocks or ford the swamps, the Rte. 93 river crossing is where the real action is. Rife with "mud fleas" who wait in the river as well as on both sides, the far bank is a steep vertical that gets slimier and slimier as the race goes on. The occasional rider makes it up, but far more frequently they just bail and launch their bikes into the midst of the mud fleas. The fleas don't seem to care, as they are so liquored up that you could probably perform a lobotomy on them if you could find any brains to cut into.

Overall: 7 Held in Davis WVA over the 3rd weekend of every June for 19 years, since 1974, the legendary Blackwater 100 was eventually banned in 1993. Legislated out of existence by environmentalists. The bastards! They killed Kenny! Blackwater Forever offers 5 hours of complete coverage of the races of '90, '91, '92, and '93 with Bonzai Blackwater thrown in for good measure. The race starts off each Saturday with over 500 ATVs lined up 4 wide, nose to tail down Main Street. This assures that there are enough noxious fumes to put all of the riders in the proper frame of mind when the flag drops. Sunday cues up the motorcycles, ranging from 125cc 2 strokes to 600cc 4 strokes. Both days it's a grueling endurance contest that's kind of like Survivor with dirt bikes, and spectators that vote you off by pointing you into a mud pit. They just don't make races like Blackwater anymore, but at least they got it all on tape!

So by now you might have noticed that I gave all of these vids "7"s. A long- awaited omen of the impending apocalypse? Nah, we've got plenty of those all around us. The fact is that all of these flicks were better than average and I would have paid cash money to own any of them (even though I didn't have to). So they all got "7"s. But they were very different types of "7"s and depending upon what floats your boat, you may love one and hate another. So what if the Dirt MOronothon failed to produce a decisive winner? Does everything have to be about winning and losing? Can't we all just get along Barney-style? Must the brown bear devour the salmon? Must the winter wind trouble the placid lake? Must John Burns remain eternally angry and bitter? I say, "7"s for everyone! Unless you've got a problem with that, in which case you'll get a "6" and like it, MOron!