Crowdsourcing. It’s one of the hottest new ways to design and launch consumer goods, with dozens of successes, including a watermelon carrier, a pancake griddle that embosses  pirates on your pancakes, and an all-pug production of Shakespeare’s Hamlet. Surely, since the modern motorcycle industry has failed us all so completely, the combined wisdom of the general populace can be harnessed to design the ultimate motorcycle. Or can it?

Yes, it can, says Aurora, Illinois-based startup AEmenmon. Since early summer 2017, AEmenmon, working with the Facebook group BroSprotbiles, has grown into a high-tech leader with a valuation of over $4.4 hundred dollars. But Zuckerburgian* levels of wealth alone aren’t the goal of founder and CEO Ayrich Bendmein; making the perfect motorcycle is. Skidmarks travelled to Rosemont, Illinois, to attend the pre-unveiling of its 2019 product line.

“The current crop of motorcycles available from the big OEMs are all lacking something: affordability, performance, style or accessibility to those of us shorter than four-foot-ten,” says 31-year-old Bendmein as he rubs scented oil into his lush beard. “AEmenmon will revolutionize not just the motorcycle community, but all product design, making the world a better place.” He then directed the media’s attention to the main stage of the 840,000-square-foot Donald E. Stephens convention center, where two cloth-draped, motorcycle-shaped objects were illuminated by spotlights.

Skidmarks Crowdsourcing

AEmenmom CEO Bendmein during a “product envisionment” session.

The two new models have names, specifications and prices, but are not yet ready to display to the public. The first model, the CS-1 “Sprotbile,” will have a clean-burning 1000cc two-stroke V-Four making 220 horsepower at the crankshaft. The chassis, designed by noted sportbike engineer Shervin Rezaiy, is a semi-twin-spar composite unit composed of perforated aluminum and high-tensile jute. The fully street-legal (except in California, New York, Washington, Hawaii and Oregon) motorcycle will weigh in at 219 pounds with its seven-gallon gas tank full.

The CS-1’s top speed is a claimed 210 mph. Those seeking more speed can opt for the race kit, which contains pod filters, an airbox lid perforation tool and a 41-tooth rear sprocket. Properly installed, the kit offers a 350-mph top speed potential. “We know we can deliver clean two-stroke technology,” said the 11,241-person powertrain design team, “because we read on 4Chan that the government is hiding the plans in Area 51 and the Trump administration will declassify them soon.”

Skidmarks Crowdsourcing

AEmenmon engineering team hashing out details of the ALED system in the convention center parking lot.

The other model, the Vyper Kustom, was designed by and for riders who value economy, rideability and conspicuity. Powered by a 3000cc V-Twin, it’s 11 feet long, weighs 1,100 pounds and features a frame carved out of a single billet of chromium. The front wheel is a 21-inch laced mag, while the rear wheel sports a 400mm-wide car tire, filled with pure nitrogen for maximum economy and performance. An optional “LowDown” model will reduce seat height from 22.1 to 8.7 inches, with a slight reduction in maximum lean angle from 11.4 to 2.9 degrees. “But that’s okay,” said development rider “Crash” O’Malley from his wheelchair, “motorcycles don’t actually steer through leaning.”

Both models bristle with high tech, as befits machines designed by savvy, if socially isolated, enthusiasts. For maximum safety, there is no exhaust baffling at all, and a suite of electronic controls include Automatic Wheelie for Safety (AWfS) and a sophisticated, cloud-based system called Automatic Lay ‘Er Down (ALED). “It’s well known that experienced riders don’t need ABS,” said the 9,712-member Electronics Team, “so of course we won’t offer it.”

ALED is first-of-its kind hardware and software that utilizes GPS satellite data, LIDAR, cameras, predictive algorithms and a spring-loaded anti-gyroscope to forcibly lay the motorcycle on its side in the nanoseconds before a crash. The 11-pound unit, located under the rider, acts not only to carefully crash the motorcycle, but also to rotate and elevate the rider (using an explosive charge and springs) so he or she will be able to stand on top of the bike and safely slide to a stop.

Skidmarks Crowdsourcing

This Suzuki Burgman-based test mule was used by AEmenmon chassis expert Shervin Rezaiy to demonstrate his frame-reduction expertise for investors.

Pricing is yet to be determined, but the Marketing Team is convinced neither bike will exceed $3,700. “OEMs and ‘stealers’ overcharge by at least 600% to keep people from buying too many motorcycles,” said the 354 people wearing “Amen to AEmenmon!” t-shirts. “We figure a company like Harley-Davidson or BMW would charge $20,000 or more for a similar product – and that’s almost 40% the cost of a new Corvette! Do they think we’re idiots?”

The company is establishing a chain of kiosks around the country where customers can order their motorcycles, as nobody needs dealers or professional mechanics according to Bendmein. “They just take your money and use it to buy boats and plastic surgery for their supermodel spouses. Our customers can just refer to Internet forums or Youtube videos to find out the best way to fix, upgrade, or maintain anything. Or just wing it. How hard can that stuff be?”

AEmenmon plans to fully launch the product in either Spring 2018 or the next time the convention center offers a weekend special.


*Not Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg, but my cousin David Zuckerberg, who just got hired at Waffle House.

Gabe Ets-Hokin is used as a function word to indicate that a following noun or noun equivalent is definite or has been previously specified by context or by circumstance. 

  • SteveSweetz

    Are joke articles on a December 20th some tradition I’m not aware of, or was this an April 1st article that your CMS screwed up on and only posted now?

    • It’s not a joke! This happened….just not yet.

    • Rocky Stonepebble

      It’s an Apres Hanukkah tradition.

      Every year, at the sunrise after the last night of Hanukkah, Jews the world over gather to eat Chinese food and tell jokes. As strengthened by the visit from the Vicar at the seder on the fifth night of Chanukkah, funny Jews are encouraged to incorporate their humour with their jobs and to make it work related, if possible.

      The rest of us visit friends, knock three times on the mezuzah for good luck, and walk in to a beer and sweet and sour chicken balls party, telling Leafs jokes and making comments about dead trees in a living room.

  • Born to Ride

    4.4 hundred dollars. LOL

    I’m stealing that joke now and forever Gabe.

  • John B.

    How do you do it Gabe? This article is the Natural Born Killers of moto-journalism! I need to re-read this article after a couple bourbon-laced eggnogs to figure out what’s up.

    * Make that “Zuckerbergian” in the body.

  • Buzz

    If it comes with the watermelon carrier and a short stack of pirate pancakes, I will take one of each model!

  • Sheik Yerbootie

    Hilarious! (Back in the early 90’s- I think it was- some guy posted a letter in CYCLE CANADA MAGAZINE- in which he invited anybody interested in joining his ‘ratbike club’ to contact him? I did. He told me- that in order to become a member- you have to ride a motorcycle that is worth no more than 200 dollars!?!
    I could not do that. At the time, I was riding an ’89 Honda GB500. (These were never sold in Canada- it took me three years to find one. I could never replace that for 200 bucks if I crashed it!)
    But anyway- this guy, showed up at the Mike Maloney Sportbike Rally in Parry Sound, Ontario- riding a 350 Honda- held together with bailing wire and duct tape- the gear shifter pedal was a set of vice grips!?! ( I was so impressed! I mean- he had rode that thing there………)
    Think about this: You go to the insurance company to insure your bike.
    “What is it’s replacement value?”
    Two hundred bucks?
    Haw!

    • Rocky Stonepebble

      I was there. I think I was on an ’82 RD at the time. With two pals on Ducs and a guy on a CB360T. That was back when it was still fun. I also remember the letter to the editor to which you allude.

      • Sheik Yerbootie

        Hey, Rocky,
        I have a shoebox fulla 35mm prints around here someplace. Couple of dozen random prints from that event- if you & your mates might like to see them?
        There is a reason, why I am doing this: I would like to get re-acquainted with that fellow about the ratbike club?

        • Rocky Stonepebble

          That’s funny. The reason I was so specific in my post, was because I think I met you.

          Back then it was based at the Foley Fairgrounds. Guys with cool/odd bikes, or bikes they thought were cool often parked up at the main entrance-food hall-entertainment area. Word went around the campground about some of the eye-catchers in the place, such as your GB500.

          Now, back then, if I was at the camp, I was finished riding for the day and had a drink in my hand. If I had left my tent site, I already had quite a few drinks in my liver and three in my pockets. So, at the end of the day, we four drunken arseholes (three Scots) would gambol about the place in a festive manor. I think I met you at your bike after dinner.

          Ratty McRatbike was, if I’m not in error, camping near me on/near the back hill by the bandshell where that goof Ironbutt guy (Hoogeveen) used to set up his mobile dyno.

          My pals found him wonderfully eccentric. I’m much more pragmatic. I thought he was a tosser.

          You should throw up a few photos here. If you have two-stroke subjects, I may be your man.

          • Sheik Yerbootie

            Yeah- your mention is bringing it all back. The Foley Fairgrounds belonged to the Georgian Bay Horticultural Society- they rented it out, once a year- to the Georgian Bay Motorcycle Club. Mike Maloney put that together.
            I have photos of Hoogeveen’s dyno. I used to hang out with a bunch of Americans who rode up to that event every year. Hilarious bunch of guys!
            Those parades through town: (Police escort to deal with the rowdies- cops directing the route from all intersections- locals lining the route to wave at the bikers !?! Damn right- these touristas are SPENDING MONEY!)
            Looking back, (am now 74 years old)- most of my closest friends, (and the most interesting people I ever met)- all are BIKERS! Decent, friendly. interesting people- and all of them, deserve to be remembered!
            And just perhaps- this will give me a chance- to link up with them again?

          • Rocky Stonepebble

            Which group of Americans, Mr. Zappa? Was it the fun loving criminals from northern Minnesota by any chance?

            I L-O-V-E-D the Thunder Run. You’ve got twenty years on me, but even back then, I was old enough that 95% of my annual allotment of wheelies and stoppies was done that weekend. 90% on the Thunder Run.

            My favourite part of the weekend was coming back for the dinner, after the awards. Eat. Have some drinks. Enjoy the comedian (remember they had Derek Edwards one year?). then, drink excessively, and go on walkies with some travellers. There, we would meet: “and the most interesting people I ever met.”

            Shame it’s gone. But, not forgotten. I don’t do that Faceoffbook crap, but I bet there is a page there for it. And, if not, you could start one.

  • Rocky Stonepebble
  • SerSamsquamsh

    Best farticle on Mo.com in long time. Thank you!

    • I try to be fartistic.

      • Rocky Stonepebble

        Shouldn’t that be “fartastic”?

  • michael32853hutson@yahoo.com

    i will never get the minutes it took to read the article back,at least in this life! congrats on a truly April 1st-worthy article!

  • JMDGT

    That anti-gyroscope lay down feature would be a hit with Kpaul an early advocate of learning to lay down a bike properly. Well done Gabe.

  • Tony Saunders

    Not April 1st already !

  • DickRuble

    Further proof the war on drugs is going nowhere. Editorial attention has gone the way of the dodo bird when people on crack and meth are allowed to “contribute”. What a waste of bandwidth..

    • Rocky Stonepebble

      First of all, it is: “Dodo bird.”

      And, for one’s ending, an ellipsis has three ‘dots.’

      Have you ever even seen a school?

      • DickRuble

        You’re wrong on both fronts.

        An ellipsis (plural ellipses; from the Ancient Greek: ἔλλειψις, élleipsis, “omission” or “falling short”) is a series of dots (typically three, such as “…”) “typically” is not “mandatory” nor “always”.

        “The dodo (Raphus cucullatus) is an extinct flightless bird that ”

        https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dodo

        Are you Canadian?That would make you a Canadian ignoramus. Somewhat rarer than the American genus but no less ignorant.

        • Rocky Stonepebble

          (typically three, such as “…”) “typically” is not “mandatory” nor “always”.”

          OK, idiot-face. You got owned again, and that was the best you could come up with?

          And “Dodo” is a proper name. Requires a capital.

          My f*ck, but you are stupid.

          Here’s a thought: if you weren’t such a dickface to everyone else, per chance I should not be horrifying the idiot you now.

          Loser.

    • A waste of bandwidth greater or less than 2,657 Disqus comments?

      • DickRuble

        ‘ greater…… or smaller…’ Or “greater … or lesser”.