Buy a Bike: Stop Terrorism, Save the Planet, and Get Right With God

Sean Alexander
by Sean Alexander
(Opinions expressed below do not necessarily reflect the opinions of, but they might, if you squint your eyes a bit and stand in the back of the room)

This just in from MO reader Francis Clark:

Buy a Bike: Stop Terrorism, Save the Planet, and Get Right with God

Like that esteemed moto journalist, John Burns, I get pissed off daily. But some things stick in my craw more than others. First off is this whole business about who's funding the terrorists. Yeah, I head about the Saudi govenment and their lax policy toward money going to terrorists. And, like about half of the US population, I know that 15 out of the 19 hijackers on 9/11 were from Saudi Arabia. Hell, Osama Bin Loosescrew is from Saudi Arabia.

But how do the Saudis, the Lybians, the Iraqis, and most of those other terrorist-breeding countries get their money? From oil. So what if Osama's daddy was in construction? The construction was paid for by money paid for by oil. So the answer is clear. The guy who is really funding terrorism is that grinning jerk one lane over, driving his gas-sucking SUV. That's right, your fellow American is supporting terrorism. And he's making your palms sweat because he's on his cell phone, arguing with his wife, who, undoubtedly, is driving another gas-sucking SUV. In fact, they're shouting so much that he's starting to wander over into your lane. Not only is he supporting terrorism, he's pumping (on average) 12.3 tons of greenhouse gases into the atmosphere on a yearly basis. That's right, 12.3 tons. And that number doesn't come from some tree-hugging liberal freak, it comes from the EPA, our fair, unbiased, oil-company-loving EPA.

This guy in the SUV ought to have a sticker on the back bumper saying: "My kid goes to college, my money goes to Osama Bin Laden." Or maybe a simpler one would be: "I love terrorists." If he's driving one of the really popular SUVs, like the 4.6 liter Ford Explorer, he gets 14 mpg in the city and 19 on the highway. So when he fuels up to drive 200 miles, he needs 12.12 gallons. I, on the other hand, drive a not terribly fuel efficient motorcycle. I get 38 miles per gallon on average, including city driving, freeway cruising, and romping around on curvy roads. So for 200 miles, I need 5.26 gallons. For every mile driven, Senõr Gas Sucker in the next lane uses 2.3 times as much gas as I do. In fact, if every gas-sucker was replaced with a bike, we wouldn't need to import any of our oil from the arab world. We wouldn't need to pay terrorists for the right to drive.

So why are we, as pampered Americans, so stupid? Well, guys dig big SUVs and big pickups. It makes-em feel, well, manly. They cruise down the road in their three ton steel cradle, sucking their thumbs, and they are manly. Think of the power they have. I'm sure their pathetic excuses for penises swell every time they step on the gas. Hey, gas-sucker, you want a real thrill? Try twisting the loud handle on a GSXR 750. Now you're not only going much faster and accelerating at a mind-bending rate, you're also doing something that takes some cojones. You see, Senõr Gas-sucker, if your skill at motorcycle riding isn't up to the task, you might be eating some asphalt for din-din.

Maybe they drive them because they are safer? Oh give me a break. These gas hogs will flip over on their backs faster than a French hooker on a busy night. Just try and corner in one of these pigs. They ought to comes with wheels on top, just in case. And swerving to avoid an accident? No way.

Or maybe they use them to go way into the back country, into God's own unspoiled wilderness to enjoy the beauty of the stars and clean air they haven't polluted with their multi-ton stream of carbon derivatives. Right. My gas-sucking driver isn't a woodsman. Hell, a couple of angry squirrels would send him skittering back to his mommy and civilization. And even if he needed to get into the wild, you can do it better in a Subaru and still get 28 mpg highway, not the measly 19 your Explorer gets. And don't get me started on the really big whale-sized SUVs. Some of them are so heavy, the EPA doesn't even test them. They are commercial vehicles, over 7,000 lbs. They don't figure into the fleet average manufacturers' numbers. Yeah, they're certainly built "like a rock" They are a weight on us every time we inhale. Dennis Miller has a model name for the next super huge SUV. He suggests we call it the "Earth F**ker"

And how about those emission regulations? The regulations are written as a percentage of exhaust gases or in parts per million. So they favor the big engines. A six liter engine puts out three times the exhaust volume as a two liter engine running at the same RPM. So the big engine is actually putting out three times the pollutants in terms of the weight of the polluting substance, while meeting the same percentage-based EPA figures. That's three times the carbon dioxide, three times the carbon monoxide, etc. That big engine puts three times as much actual pollution in the air as a two liter, and does it legally. So why doesn't the EPA change the rules to measure actual pollutant output? Because the oil companies don't want them to. (And now, let's sniff the exhaust of my 800cc motorcycle. Yee hah. I could have exhaust gas seven times as dirty (by percent) and still be putting less crap in the air.)

All of this is obvious to anyone with half a brain. (A fact that leaves out much of the US population.) Even the environmental Christians have a new campaign; "WWJD", "What would Jesus Drive?" They suggest He'd get a nice compact, not one of these gas-suckers, whether they come in the shape of an SUV, a big truck, or a big sedan. So, bubba, get right with God, sell your SUV.

If you want to stop terrorism, sticking flags on your car is not the answer. The answer is in your driveway. See that SUV? Park it. Go get a bike, any bike. Ride it to work. You might start to feel like a real stud. And little Suzy over in accounting, the one with the orange hair, nipples that poke through her shirt, and a tight little butt? She's not gonna care about your SUV. But a nasty-fast ride down a canyon road will get her juices flowing. Trust me.

It's up to you. You want to stop terrorism, save the earth, and get right with God? Buy a bike.

Francis Clark

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