Missing Journalist Sean Alexander Found!

Motorcycle.com Staff
by Motorcycle.com Staff

Redondo Beach (AH) -- The trembling, incoherent man with scorchedhair found wandering the streets of Redondo Beach three days agohas finally been identified as 37-year-old local resident SeanAlexander. Picked up for suspicion of being non-rich, the Redondo BeachPolice quickly changed the profile from poor-person-near-our-beachto a public cry for community help: "We knew from the Mezlan Oxfordsand genuine Rolex Submariner he was wearing that this must be adistraught local citizen," press officer Helen Waite told a jadedwire reporter, "and we released his photo in hopes someone wouldclaim him. Mr. Alexander kept muttering 'only one pass, only one pass,not fair, not fair! I am not the Walrus! I am the Destroyer!Screw you guys, I'm going home!' and weinitially weren't sure if he couldn't afford asecond ticket to Disneyland, was a forcibly exiled BrianBoitano cultist, or something else broke him mentally."

"I recognized a shell of the man we once knew as go-fast guy Sean Alexander,"said Harley-Davidson™ fleet center manager 'Mean' Gene Thomason,the man who identified Alexander. "Sean was a motorcycle journalistparticipating as a photographer in our Destroyer drag racing event, whichinvolved racing motorcycles against one another in a 1/4-mile contest ofacceleration. At the end of the day, we had a run slot open, and thoughtit would be nice to offer this last-run-of-the-day to Mr. Alexander. Hesuccessfully completed his run in a very respectable time..."

What happened next was pieced together from the bizarre and oftenconflicting reports of several witnesses. Alexander kept screaming aboutbeing the "go-fast" guy, lapsing into an incoherent babbling that increasedin pitch until only Butch, a three year-old pitbull owned by aHarley-Davidson™ mechanic, could hear it. After that, dense, grey smokebegan pouring from Alexander's ears and other orifices and his haircaught fire, possibly catalyzed by a dense mass of petroleum-basedstyling products.

The assembled crowd of journalists, track officials, spectators, peanutvendors and vinyl siding salesmen became alarmed and started to panic,rushing the phalanx of armed Harley-Davidson Security Personnel ™. Inthe ensuing melee, only a few spectators turned around at the last minute tocatch a glimpse of Alexander's head bursting in a gout of sickly orangeflame and brown, noxious smoke.

"What we believed happened," continued Ms. Waite, "was thatMr. Alexender couldn't cope with being slower than his co-worker, one PeteBrissette. Mr. Brissette took offense to this presumption, and responded:the man posing as motojournalist Brissette is really Peter 'Da Killah'Brazzinni, the mafia hitman who has mastered the Tibetan HwungLoe 'Piercing, Disapproving Stare' technique, which he applied toMr. Alexander for exactly 9.96 seconds -- with clearly devastatingresults.

"Da Killah was sent to infiltrate an organization of ill repute,"Ms. Waite told assembled reporters, "called Motorcycle.Com, a business known for theirclose association with the West Coast's immoral kingpin and FBI's most-wanted man,known only as 'The Bitter Little Man.'"

At this time, both Da Killah and the Bitter Little Man remain atlarge. Mr. Alexander's wife, Natalie, instantiated a so-called 'egointervention' to re-inflate her flaccid husband's shrunken head.

Pomona Raceway -- the alleged site of Alexander's meltdown --is closed pending environmental cleanup and scientific investigation.In the meantime, Harley-Davidson's Legal Brute Squad™ have filed a patent on thesound of Alexander's head exploding, which was captured on tape by theband Stryper, who were performing live at the racetrack.

Redondo PD would like to direct all media to Helen Waite.

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Motorcycle.com Staff
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