Torque Movie Review(s)

Sean Alexander
by Sean Alexander
EBass and I were graciously invited to the Press Screening of Torque last week. We went with every intention of writing a full review for you people, but unfortunately the review would be exactly the same as the one we did last year for Biker Boyz The only differences of any real meaning to those of us in the motorcycling community, is the actors have been changed and the CGI effects are slightly more overblown and cheesy.

I read the Ain’t It Cool News review of Torque and understand what the author was trying to say, re: Us nerds will try to pick the movie apart, based on its technical inaccuracies. Sure, I get it, it's just a movie. But come-on! Can't they at least get one person who's actually operated a motorcycle, to consult on story boards, filming and editing?

Sean's formula for summarizing the movie Torque: mix Charlie’s' Angels +Mission Impossible 2 +Biker Boyz -Cameron Diaz -Demi Moore -Lucy Liu -Tom Cruise -Lawrence Fishburn -Derek Luke +Ice Cube +Extra Cheese= Torque.

EBass' thoughts: "It's better than Biker Boyz.... but not by much" "It'll probably have a Darwinistic effect on the squids who will watch it and then try to ride their Gixxers through the desert sand at 180+mph."

MO Subscriber "Jenny" wrote-in with this to say about Torque:

I just got out of a screening of the new movie, "Torque". It was an experience so truly awful that I simply cannot keep this to myself. This movie made "Driven" look good (which I never though would be possible). It is the kind of thing that makes you want to write a letter to the powers that be at Warner Brothers and say, "Please, don't ever, ever, ever try to make a motorcycle movie ever again." Okay, maybe I wouldn't say that. It would be something more palatable. Maybe something that says, "Dear Sirs, Please do not interpret the lackluster box office sales of your new motorcycle epic as an indication that people do not want to see motorcycle movies. Please understand that we DO want to see motorcycle movies. We just don't want to see BAD motorcycle movies."

"Torque" actually started off passably well. I can overlook the mismatched motorcycle sounds effects (oh, WHY didn't they let me hear the real Aprilia Mille exhaust?), the dangerous riding (hello, bike banging as a show of male bravado?), or even the VERY unrealistic computer animated motorcycle stunts (street bikes as off-road machines, please?). But if I am to suspend my disbelief, can I at least have good character development... no? Okay, how about a compelling story... nope, just not in the budget. Well, okay then, at least entertain me with great cinematography and cool special effects... the jury is still out on this one.

I so want to turn back the clock and fix this one. It had the potential to be a truly fun and entertaining movie. But miscast actors, misplaced stereotypes, and weird ideas about motorcycle riders left me laughing, crying, and hiding my eyes at all the wrong moments. "Torque" is a movie of such phenomenally bad proportions that it won't even qualify as campy bad (a la "Death Race 2000").

(sigh) Save your $9.50 ticket price, $8.00 parking, $5.00 popcorn, and $4 soda and just go for a ride...

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There you have it. This movie truly sucks. I hated it, EBass didn't like it much and Jenny hated it. If you're a glutton for movie punishment, I'd still recommend the the Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood over Torque. At least you'll see some realistic stunt driving in the Ya Ya Sisterhood.If the movie wasn't bad enough for you, you could always read the New Zealand newspaper interview with Torque star Martin Henderson, where he reminisces about his "zippy" Honda two-stroke and says he's considering buying another bike "maybe a Triumph or BFA or something" BFA, that's me after seeing this movie: Bad F'n Attitude! -Sean
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Sean Alexander
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