Did ya check out our 2014 Holiday Gift Guide? It’s chock full of functional gift suggestions for adult motorcyclists. You know what it doesn’t have? A single motorcycle toy! What the hell is wrong us? Editors Scrooge and Grinch must be responsible for excluding the youth demographic.

122214-tomfoolery-xmas-Tom_TwistFor me, a motorcycle is nothing more than a big toy I never got as a child. I remember asking for one, but Oliver Twist had a better chance of receiving another bowl of gruel than I did an actual motorcycle. Instead, I received a lot of motorcycle toys. From the Evel Knievel Stunt Bike pictured above to the Roar Power twist grip that you attached to your bicycle handlebar to make motorcycle sounds when activated.

I still have motorcycle toys. They’re littered all around the house. I even have a box of spare motorcycle toys in the garage just in case we move to a larger home and I need to fill empty spaces. In a fit of nostalgia, I once phoned Grandma to see if she still had my childhood motorcycle toys downstairs in the basement toybox. Sadly, she had parcelled them out to her great grandchildren, of which I have contributed none. Like the Island of Misfit Toys, it’s better some child is playing with my old moto toys rather than becoming objects of unused affection in a museum of my creation dedicated to my own youth. But I still greedily want them back.

The Baja Bike Scrambler by Schaper let you control a dirtbike riding on a scrolling desert backdrop avoiding plastic rocks and bushes you could attach to the surface to challenge your riding skills.

122214-tomfoolery-xmas-Bigfoot_on_VehicleIn a time when the equivalent to a Gameboy was manipulating a bunch of lights meant to be football, baseball, basketball players on a handheld device, tactile games such as U-Drive-It or action figures were oftentimes a better option. When it came to action figures, seemingly everyone from GI Joe to Spider-Man had his own scooter. Even Steve Austin’s (The Six Million Dollar Man) nemesis, Bigfoot, was a biker!

A quick Google search returns all kinds of modern motorcycle rocking horses and battery-powered two-wheelers for the preschool crowd. There’s no shortage of diecast toys from Maisto or model motorcycle kits, either. Probably most intriguing, though, is the variety of hyper-realistic video games for Xbox and Playstation.

I found some cool RC motorcycles for both amateurs as well as serious hobbyists. There are even some board games and card games if you look hard enough. And, of course, a black hole of free online motorcycle games that’ll suck the hours out of a day as efficiently as a crack pipe.

Probably the most thrilling toy out there is the Motorized Drift Trike from SFD Industries. But this is a toy for adults, not for children.

What I’m having trouble finding are toys like the aforementioned tactile ones that demand some level of imagination on the child’s behalf for the toy to work properly. With no children of my own, maybe I’m out of the loop when it comes to cool moto toys for kids. Like many riders who lament the intrusiveness of electronics in modern motorcycles, I’m loath to accept that little exists outside the digital realm of motorcycle gaming.

I didn’t have an actual motorcycle at five years old, but I got close. Photo was taken prior to addition of the Roar Power accessory or presently fashionable safety equipment.

I didn’t have an actual motorcycle at five years old, but I got close. Photo was taken prior to addition of the Roar Power accessory or presently fashionable safety equipment.

Nonetheless, the point is, if you’re a motorcyclist with a youngling or two vibrating in anticipation of Xmas morning and haven’t purchased him/her/them a motorcycle gift, you best get out and at least find a two-wheel stocking stuffer, if not something more substantial. Then, as the child outgrows these toys, please box them away in the attic for when the day comes when he/she has grown back into them, because that day will come. And no one likes an adult motorcyclist fighting with his seven-year-old nephew at Xmas over who gets to play with the Evel Knievel Stunt Bike.