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Moron-athon Video Party
Comic Relief: There's a shot of a drunk homie ralphing on the street in South Beach, and the aforementioned ambulance scene was worth a chuckle if it wasn't such a sad but true commentary on the cheapness of life on the mean streets. But "goofy" just isn't in the UR vocabulary. Score: 2
Carnage: One endo that leaves a dude laid out with his bike flat on top of him. In the final scene, a fella loses it wearing nothing but shorts and tennies and winds up strapped on a backboard in an ambulance that won't start, and needs a jump from the NYFD. A nice final flurry at the bell to save them from a "1", but these guys really need to crash more. Score: 3
Stunts: Lots of de rigeur stand up wheelies. A nac-nac wheelie, plenty of Christs, rolling burnouts, but nothing exceptional. Maybe if I had never seen a stunt vid before, but it's too late for that now. It pains me to say it, but this video never shifts out of first gear when it comes to degree of difficulty. What happened to my East Coasters! You gotta come stronger than this if you wanna bring your DVD into my house! Score: 2
Summary: I can't recommend this video strongly enough to any distant relative or close personal friend of the riders featured. Otherwise, put down the homegrown stunter flick and back slowly away from the DVD player, playah. Long on "niggaz" and "yo yo yoz" and short on pretty much everything else. An amateur hour that only a mutha could love. Score: 2
12:30 midnight-ish: The witching hour strikes and I'm diving back into the Jersey muck with "Underground Riders Volume 2". I'm kinda cringing at the thought of popping in more UR on top of the last steaming pile but hey, I'm a professional and so I'm gonna suck it up and do what I gotta do. So let's see if the Jerzey boyz can raise their game the second time around, or if their shizzle winds up in a flaming wad of nizzle jizzle hizzle skizzle. Was that too much "izzle"? I sounded white again didn't I? Damn! Oh well, Chauncey pass the mayo, would ya'. This turkey on Wonder Bread sandwich is kinda dry.
Tunes: Mo' rap, mo' hip-hop, maybe this your bag, maybe it isn't. Adjust score accordingly. Score: 4
Babes: The booties are still shakin' but the quality level is up a few notches this time around and there's some bike wash action. So I have to give up another point. I don't know where UR2 found these ladies, but they put the "ghetto" in "ghetto-liscious". Unfortunately they forgot to put the "liscious" part in. Score: 3
Production Values: Some rewind shots this time, and the date/time signatures have been cleaned out. Movin' on up but still in the low rent district. Score: 3
Comic Relief: Not even a puking fool on the side of the street. Score: 1
Carnage: One dude knocks himself the fork out high siding on a rolling burnout. Post-dump motorcycle dogpiles that show unfortunate, irresponsible and reprehensible disrespect for the brand (wink, wink JB). Thaz about it. Score: 2
Stunts: Synchronized stunting and 12 o'clock variations, tank handstands, more skeelz, more variety. UR came up in the world this time out but they were starting from soooo far down. Keep it comin' guys, I honestly can't wait to see UR9: Attack of the Clones--. yes, I can. Score: 4
Summary: A big improvement over UR1 but not that big. It's viable, watchable stuff this time out but the lack of variety in terms of riders, stunts and styles left me cold. So did the East Coast footage. Maybe if these dogs rolled West where we have 365 good riding days per year, their skeelz would rise up faster. If you're a hip-hop kinda head, you can throw an extra point at it, but otherwise, UR2 ain't for you.
Score: 4 (that's' 30% bettah than the last one)
2:00 AM: "Judgment Day 2: Total Domination" and now well into day 2 of the Moron-athon. After the profoundly underwhelming entertainment value of UR1&2, I am left questioning my previously unquestionable devotion to the genre. Despite consuming my third caffeine, guarine, taurine, and ephedrine-laden Sparks malt beverage, I want to sleep. And that sucks. But JD1 holds the title of my favorite sick flick to date, and I have saved JD2 for the anchor leg in hopes of being exposed to new heights of moto-lunacy. Save me JD2. I'm fading fast. Chauncey, maybe a Red Bull and vodka this time, and can you stick a few of those Nicoderm patches on me for good measure?
Tunes: Neo-metal and rap, DMX, Disturbed, ACDC. It's really good angry --oh, you know the drill. Score: 5
Babes: A hair-pulling fight, wet T-shirts, and plenty o' bikini and thong shots. Good distribution throughout the vid and if that ain't enough they get their own section of extended exposure in the bonus footage . About as much T&A as you can stuff into a hooligan vid without crossing over into "Girls Gone Wild" territory. Score: 9
Production Values: Excellent editing with a variety of video effects and fades that synced up nicely with the soundtrack. Bonus footage that includes extended coverage of crash aftermaths. Oh and the aforementioned, "nuthin but the babes" section. Score: 7
Comic Relief: A bro with a wad of traffic citations in hand recounting his countless violations of the local penal codes. A tandem wheelie with Rover the Hooligan Hound standing on the pillion with his front paws on master's shoulders. A stunter who tries to do CPR on his dropped ride. Good for a snicker or two. Score: 5
Carnage: All manner of slow-speed dumps and ghost rides. A few high speed abominations that you can feel through the TV. And then there is the JD tradition. The end-of-flick wipe out session. Cartwheeling bikes shedding plastic like shrapnel, endos that end badly, an intersection T-bone that was just this side of "Faces of Death", a game of bowling-for-bystanders that takes out another fool and his bike. Now I'm awake! Score: 9
Stunts: Doctoral thesis level stuntology everywhere you look. Better make sure your rewind and slow-mo buttons are well lubed. Backwards-facing tank-seated stoppies, push ups with feet on the bars and hands on the tailsection, tandem endos, a passenger/rider switcheroo, bunny-hop Christs from tail to tank, tandem stoppies with bra-clad girlies hanging backwards over the bars, a passenger backflip off the pillion. Then there is "The Ghost Rider", a black-clad kamikaze who tears through the heavily trafficked streets of Stockholm Sweden at indicated speeds of 250 to 300 kph with a recklessness unseen in any scripted Hollywood chase scene. I thought I had seen it all, but I have been enlightened. Thank you Sir, may I have another?! Score: 9
Summary: JD2 brings the noise with a wide variety of skills and styles. Multiple segments of some of the best crews in the world representin' their home asphalt keeps things fresh and progressive. Innovative tricks. Tons of wipeouts. Only the cream made the JD2 cut. There's always room for improvement but this was some chronic sheet mang! If you've only got one slot left on your Xmas list, slide JD2 in there. And remember, don't try this stuff at home --.go out in the street instead. Score: 8
3:00 AM: The -- Moron-athon --is --.over. There are no stunts left to behold, no carnage left to gawk at, no T&A left to drool over. The curtain has drawn closed and Elvis and his chronies have left the building. Even the Sparks, Red Bull, vodka, pork rinds, pizza, and turkey on white bread sandwiches have been decimated. My manifest destiny has been fulfilled. I have entered the dark maw of moto-pornography, traveled down the gullet, through the intestines large and small, and been passed like a 215 lb stone out the -- well, let's just end the analogy there. I have borne witness to the good, the bad, and the horribly ugly-- and loved every minute of it. Chauncey, wake up, you're free to go now. And don't forget your codpiece on the way out.