Moron-athon Video Party

Hooligan Video Steel Cage Moron-athon:
Crusty Demons: The Eighth Dimension vs.
Underground Riders Volumes 1 & 2 vs.
Judgment Day 2: Total Domination

I, Eric Bass, love watching hooligan videos and I'm not afraid to admit it. There -- my political career is over, to hell with it. Then again, dressing up in day-glo spandex and a pink boa while rolling around a wrasslin' ring with sweaty, half-naked men on TV every week for twenty-odd years didn't stop Jesse Ventura from becoming Governor of Minnesota, so maybe my hat could still find its way into the gubernatorial ring someday. But within moto-cognoscenti circles, those who profess affection for stunt vids are looked upon with the kind of disdain typically reserved for a child-molesting priest. Unfortunately we don't have a tax-exempt, non-profit, Church of Hooliganism to shell out millions of "non-profited from" dollars to make people go away and leave us alone, so we're stuck defending ourselves.

So why, you might ask, would a 36 year old man with degrees in Psychology and Philosophy from George Washington University and a membership in MENSA squander his expensively educated and not insubstantial grey matter on the glorification of misogynist moto-pornography that simultaneously exploits and exalts pimple faced tyros with more balls than brains doing things that are illegal in all 50 states (and Puerto Rico) and stand a high likelihood of getting somebody maimed, killed or worse? Well, I suppose I might be overstating the case somewhat -- this stuff is probably legal in Puerto Rico. But I'm not trying to dodge the question here, and I'm going to give you a straight answer. Tonight's roster... a bevy of unnatural riding positions.

 It's simply because I'm human. And we humans, despite our elevated status as masters of the planet, diviners of the mysteries of the atom and the big bang, authors of great books, inventors of fantastic machines, and achievers of heroic feats, are captivated and motivated by nothing -- nothing more than the primal urge to get nekkid and rub our privates together. Don't believe me? Ask Jimmy Swaggert, Bill Clinton, Kobe Bryant -- I could go on. Which is merely to say that we really have very little control over what gives us pleasure or captivates our attention, and the only authentic choice we have in the matter is whether to suppress it or revel in it.

Granted, most of us have the good sense to suppress it (are you listening Kobe?) but for some reason we afford ourselves the moral loophole of watching others indulge themselves as a surrogate release of sorts. Hence all the sax and violins on TV, and the preponderance of saloon-style doors gracing the backrooms of video stores. So come down off that high horse ye who would be pompous pooh-poohers of the cinema verite that is the hooligan vid. Take off your codpiece and stay awhile. You know you love it. Find yourself a cozy spot on the divan and join me as I sautee my wetware in four non-stop hours of titillating moto-delinquency-- but before you do, can you make a munchy run to the kitchen and bring me some Sparks and pork rinds? Thanks Chauncey, you're a Bro'!

Freeman and Nicholson do it again!10:00 PM: Well, this is it. The steel cage has been secured, the DVD is locked and loaded, and the Moron-athon has begun. First up is the great-great-grandson of the flick that some say started it all, "Crusty Demons of Dirt", now in it's eighth iteration as, "Crusty Demons: The Eighth Dimension". CD8 has some serious star power attached to the project in the form of high profile dirt studs like Mad Mike Jones, Cowboy Kenny Bartram, Tom Cat Clowers, Travis "360" Pastrana, and of course Mike "The Godfather" Metzger among others. This sort of begs the question of whether you can still be considered a hooligan if you also own a house and make more money than your parents, but I'll leave that to the reader feedback section to debate and discuss.

Tunes: Standard issue neo-metal such as Rob Zombie, Lords of Acid, and Saliva. Some goof-punk from Butthole Surfers and Dead Kennedys. As Ashley would say, if you like angry music, it has really good angry music -- if you like angry music. Score: 5

Babes: They're in there but just enough to tease. A few brief "one punch" cat-fight scenes, that's about it. Where's the love, CD8? A stunt flick without T&A is like -- is like -- is like anything without T&A, it needs more T&A! Score : 3

Come on sparky, I need the fix... I got lots of videos to watch!Production Values: Very high production values with lots of helmet cams, helicopter shots, MTV-style editing, and exotic locales. Bonus features such as cutting room floor clips and director's comments running over the length of the film. Sort of like hanging out with the film makers in the screening room, which is kinda neat even if they are moronic film makers. There was obviously more capital involved in this project than just what the featured stunters could steal from their Momma's purse. CD8 delivers the secret sauce on the hooligan tamale. Score: 8

Comic Relief: Goofiness aplenty a la Jackass. Juvenile delinquents acting stupid without seeming to have to act. The Dalai Lama and Elvis rob a casino. Dirtbike sheep herding. Mini-bike mayhem. The one comedy classic moment comes when this fool face plants after trying to abort a dirt jump. His PO'ed wife then shows up at the hospital, gets a peep at his chewed up face, and demands to know why he wasn't wearing a helmet, to which his buddy half-assedly covers for him by remarking that he had, "taken it off briefly to be cleaned". Score: 8

Carnage: Lots of aborted landings and some that should have been. The brief streetbike section features a poor knucklehead that loses it while wheelieing down a car-infested freeway and throws a high-side with a half-twist that musta scared the bejeezus out of the cagers all around him. Overall though, nothing too cringe-worthy. The Usual Suspects Score: 6

Stunts: All the MotoX Freestyle you can choke down, both in contests and out in the desert and other scenic locales. A nice mix of other vehicles as well, but for the most part nothing you haven't seen. I dug it, but I already knew the name of every move I saw. Score: 6

Summary: A hooligan video in the broadest sense, CD8 isn't limited to motorcycle mayhem. Guest appearances are made by snowmobiles, four wheeler baja badness, land launching jet skis, even a highsiding golf cart. But the focus is on Freestyle MotoX and the kamikazes that pilot their dirtbikes on suicide missions for our vicarious pleasure. A sense of fun and frolic pervades the film and there is no real hard-ass bravado to be found. Unfortunately the "Holy Crap, you gotta rewind that!" factor is sorely missing and despite recently winning an award at the X-Dance Film Festival, CD8 just comes off as a little too PG for my bitter and jaded sensibilities. Not bad as a Xmas stocking stuffer for your 8-18 year old. Add a point if you're looking for a Jackass style, feel-good, party video. Deduct a point if you're all about ultra-carnage or blow-your-mind level stunting. Score: 7 "Watch as our boys push their bikes to the limit to bring you unbelieveable stunts..."

11:15 PM: "Underground Riders Volume 1" takes the stage as the New Jersey naughty boys bring a change of attitude to a more urban hip-hop flavor. I'm an East Coaster by birth, and so I'm curious to see what's happenin' back home on the mean streets. The DVD spins, the beats start bopping, Chauncey tries to escape but I've hidden his codpiece and won't let him have it back until the fat lady sings. "Make yourself useful and see if Dominoes still delivers, ya' prissy foo!".

Tunes: Rap and Hip-Hop from anonymous hoodlums. A bonus point for having their own rap theme songs about stunting. I wish I had a theme song written about me. Then I could get a Goldwing and pump it through the speakers while I do stoppies for the adoring middle-American housewives at the Honda Hoot. Wubbida, wubbida, wubbida! Score: 4

Babes: A ghetto-liscious booty shaking contest that had great potential if the booties in question weren't twice the size of mine. Granted there are those that worship at the alter of the double bubble so I'll leave it to y'all to decide if that's the flava ya sava, but it was making me burp pork rinds. Score: 2

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