Jerry Jones' Learn To Wheelie Video Review
The hip-hop is thumping, the hoochies are strutting, the 40s are draining. And all of a sudden there's a loud "screeeech" on the turntable, and the music stops.
Ever since I first watched this tape I've had this recurring dream. Fade in to the mean streets of South Central Los Angeles. A bunch of Biker Boyz-ish hoods are doing burn-outs and power wheelies on chromed out Gixers in a back alley. The hip-hop is thumping, the hoochies are strutting, the 40s are draining. And all of a sudden there's a loud "screeeech" on the turntable, and the music stops. Some poor dude falls out mid-stoppie and almost cracks open his helmet-less melon. Everybody laughs. But their eyes are all fixed on the 2 white dorks rolling up on pre-historic, thrashed out Yamaha XT-550 dirt bikes looking as though they made a wrong turn like 200 miles back in the middle of the Mojave Desert. But there wasn't any wrong turn. Me and my man Jerry Jones have come to throw down the gauntlet! Like Luke Skywalker and Obiwan Kenobi we bust out some tandem slow motion balance wheelies. I shift to a standup wheelie while Jerry does slow, menacing one-wheeled circles around the leader of the hood rats, all the while beaming at him with his big as Texas cheesy smile! All the street punks are Ooooohing and Aaaaaaahing as I make eye contact with the slenderest of the tenderest fly girls and lay back into a fender bender to admire the scenery for a little longer before cruisin' on by. Meanwhile Jerry is wheelie-ing over the tricked out Civics and Integras like they were speed bumps.
But dang, the way Jerry breaks all those moves down on his tape like a math equation, it just seems possible!
. . . . .And then I wake up. But dang, the way Jerry breaks all those moves down on his tape like a math equation, it just seems possible! More physicist then daredevil, the esteemed Mr. Jones has a mild-mannered way of matter-of-factly deconstructing the amazing feats of skill he performs on his bike that leave no nuance un-explained. What John Stockton is to basketball, Jerry Jones is to wheelies. He doesn't have a nick-name, he doesn't ride a $10,000, tiger-fur covered machine, he doesn't boast, swagger, or pose. He just shows up on a beater dirt-bike that looks like something you'd hand down to your little brother, and wheelies your eyes out of their sockets. Then he throws his metaphorical arm across your shoulders and in his "Aw shucks, it weren't nuthin'" sort of way, analyzes what he just did with such attention to detail that it seems as though all you have to do is insert "slot A" into "tab B" and you should be eyeballing some sky and clouds in no time! Of course, we all know it isn't really as simple as that. Much blood, sweat, tears, and hours of practice stand between the intellectual understanding of what one should be doing and the ability to actually execute it.
Much blood, sweat, tears, and hours of practice stand between the intellectual understanding of what one should be doing and the ability to actually execute it.
Jones' tape is the balance wheelie equivalent of a master magician revealing the secrets of all his tricks. So when clutch and power wheelies start getting boring, and the little devil on your shoulder starts shouting, "C'mon, don't be scared! Go for the balance point!". It's time to invest a little in your education, in order to save a lot on your medical bills! As the fortune cookie says, "A wise man learns from the mistakes of others, a foolish man from his own". So play it cool, don't be a fool!
More by Eric Bass
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