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Old 07-09-2012, 01:17 PM   #1
The Spaceman
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Default A Ride of Biblical Proportions

It came to pass that on the week of the High Hot Holiday, The Lord spaketh unto Kenneth and said: “Thou shalt travel North to the Mountains, to the Village of Etowah, wherest thou shalt seek out the Nrom of Strom, for I have giventh him a Perfectly Formed Wee, which haveth custom suspension, digital displays, and other Features and Upgrades of which there art Too Many To List Here. Thou shalt seek out this Wee, and know it by the sign of The Wolf on its flanks, and thou shalt admire it and make much of its beauty. ”

And Kenneth were much afraid, and sayeth unto The Lord: “Lord it is Hot, and the Village of Etowah is over 760 miles away, and I haveth not money nor time for such a journey.”

And The Lord became angry, and saidth unto Kenneth: “It shall not be that Hot whenst thou keep moving, and thou shalt travel quickly and without rest. And doth thou not carry the Card of the Master, and doth it not haveth a Great and Mighty Credit Limit, and is it not accepth at thousands of merchants everywhere?”

Kenneth thought, and saideth: “Thou art correct My Lord, and Thou hath also blessed the Card with Cash Back and Airline miles. Yea shall I put Mine Ass on the Road, stopping only to summon my companion, the Les of Castle Berry, and he shalt travel with me.

So on the Seventh Hour of the Seventh Day of the Seventh Month, Kenneth did put his Ass on the Road, and did travel North to Daytona, whereupon he came to the House of McDonald, wherest he did meet the Les of Castle Berry. Kenneth did enter the House of McDonald and tooketh meat and grain and drink from there, and he began to eat. As he ate, a great Chariot came upon the House of McDonald, and many Large and Fat People of many colors and sexes emerged, and they too began to gather meat and grain to eat. And the Driver of the Chariot also ate, and she were Comped her meal, and did not pay, for that was the Will of McDonald.

The Les and the Kenneth then put their Asses on the Road, and continued their journey North, and along the way they came upon a Fellow Pilgrim who traveled on an Ass of Aprilia. And they rode with him North and then West, until they came upon a Great Storm, but The Lord provided them shelter under a bridge from the Storm, and they donned their Hides of Naugas, that they might continue their journey and not become wet. And they did journey onward, and the Aprilia was lost to sight and not seen again until much later in the journey.

Having passed through the Great Storm, the Les and Kenneth came to a stable where they might feed their Asses, but the Merchant scoffed at the Card of the Master and said unto Kenneth: “Thine card is denied, and thou shalt not partake of the food here.” And Kenneth were sore afraid, and he prayed to the Lord: “Why hast thou forsaken me in this place?” And the Lord said: “Thou shalt call upon the House of the Master, and they shall tell you a story.”

And so Kenneth did call upon the House of the Master, and they did tell him a great story of Pagans who purchased airline tickets in Buenos Aires, and car tires in Mexico, and other great wonderments, thus depleting the Great and Mighty Credit Limit, and leaving the card in Limbo. And Kenneth were sore afraid, and he cried: “Lord, why hadsth Thou forsaken me in South Carolina, that my bones might rot here in this desert?” And The Lord said unto Kenneth: “Go thou to a nearby Altar of The Money machine and worship, I shalt send you manna and bananas.” And it was so.

And for what seemed as Many Months but were in fact Many Hours did Kenneth and The Les proceed West, and their heat and thirst were great, and they knew that Satan was tormenting them, for the road was blocked for many many miles by The RubberNecked whost gazed upon an SUV in the weeds. The Lord said to Kenneth: “Thou shalt ride thine Ass betweenst the cars and not gaze upon the SUV in the weeds, and Kenneth did so, but The Les did not hear The Word of The Lord and Kenneth was made to take shelter under a bridge and wait upon his Ass for what seemed a lifetime.

And Lo, they came upon The Mountains, and began to arise into Heaven, and the air was as God intended it to be, for it warht cool and clean and smelled of pine trees. And they rose still higher into the mountains, and the Spirits of Kenneth and The Les rose high as well. And the long-lost Aprilia did appear, and they knew then that they had followed the righteous path.

They entered the Village of Etowah and spent much time traveling amongst its roads and viewed its many huts and tents, and then The Les and Kenneth came upon the hut of the Nrom of Strom. And there, in the manger, was The Perfect Wee, as it was formed by The Lord with the help of His Earthly minions. And It had digital displays, and It had a custom suspension, and It had Features and Upgrades of which there were Too Many to List Here. And Lo, the Mark of the Wolf was along it’s flanks and also it bore the Mark of the Donut.

And then the Nrom of Strom entered the manger and said: “I shalt give thee Pilgrims shelter and food, and thou shalt clean thyselves for thou dost Stink to High Heaven.” And it was so, and then they sat at a table with cold beverages and the Wife of the Nrom and with Dogs what that Farted with great gusto and smell.

Now the Nrom brought forth to the table the Pizza, and he did divide the Pizza into the First Part and gaveth a Slice of the Pizza to The Les and The Wife and Kenneth and himself. And they did eat the Slices, and The Les did eat with great gusto and noise as is the custom of those what that art from the Castle Berry. And then the Nrom did take the Pizza of the Second part and he gave a Slice of the Pizza to The Les and Kenneth and himself, but did not give a Slice of the Second Part to The Wife, for that is an abomination to The Lord and a Sin. Thus did the Fourth Slice of the Second Part lie fallow in the Refrigerator as the Pilgrims and the Nroms did make themselves Off to Bed.

Came the morning and the Nrom said unto the Les and Kenneth: “We shalt ride amongst the mountains, and we will eat the Breakfast.” And they got their Asses on the Road and began to ride, but the Lord was Angered and had laid a Great Fog upon the land, for the Wife of the Nrom had eaten of the Pizza of the Second Part in the night. And the Nrom said “we must rise up toward heaven, and the Fog whilst be below us, and we shall see for many miles. And thus they began to climb the mountains on their Asses at great speed, and the Asses from Florida were made to ride in a manner heretofore unbeknownst to them but beknownst to those that live anywhere but Florida or Kansas.

As they rose into the Mountains The Lord spoketh again to Kenneth and said: “Upon the Last Day of the Holy Hot Holiday many tens of thousands of Pilgrims will descend upon the Roads into Florida. And should thoust waiteth until the Last Day of the Holy Hot Holiday to return from whenst thou came, thou shalt suffer and swelter in traffic jams and thou shalt not get home until Sometime Monday if thou art lucky.”

And so Kenneth was troubled and in fear, and was distracted when he ateteth of his breakfast at the Inn of the Blue Ridge Parkway.

Upon leaving the Inn, the Nrom did lead the Les and Kenneth to the Highest Point on the Blue Ridge Parkway, and there they took many pictures and even a short video. And there, closest to the Lord, it was decided that the Pilgrims should returneth to Florida in great haste and with little delay.

And they rode their Asses to the End of the Road what that art the Blue Ridge Parkway.

And they took many more roads of the small and back variety for many, many hours, until they came upon the South End of Georgia.

And there they came upon the Great Interstate Roads again, and rode them for many, many hours until they came to the North End of Florida.

And they rode their Asses on those Roads until they came upon the City of Jacksonville, where another Great Storm lashed them with rain and great winds.

And still they rode, until they came again to Daytona, whereupon the Les went toward the Castle Berry and Kenneth proceeded South for yet many more hours.

As Kenneth’s journey neared its end, a Roman from the Stuart approached him and stopped his Ass. The Roman sought tribute to his Governor, and made false claims of excessive speed. But as Kenneth knew The Lord was with him, and had shown him the Sign of the Donut in the Manger, and he made the Sign unto the Roman, who was abated and left Kenneth to ride his Ass home.

And so, 1,800 miles and 38 hours later, did the journey end.
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Old 07-09-2012, 01:49 PM   #2
pushrod
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Although I fear you are off your meds again, I must shout,

"Huzzah!"


Great stuff, Ken!
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Old 07-09-2012, 01:52 PM   #3
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That was the best damn thing ever Kenneth.

Can't wait for part 2 of the mini-series!
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Old 07-09-2012, 04:11 PM   #4
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"When in Chrome, do as the Chrome-Mags do"....

Thou art truly a lucky SOB, for yon Centurion couldest have smote a mighty blow upon thine wallet.
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Old 07-10-2012, 06:00 AM   #5
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The "Sign of the Wolf" and "Mark of the Donut" is still eluding me...

Are those 'Strom' things?
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Old 07-10-2012, 07:18 AM   #6
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Truly thou dost journey far and wide on thy Vstrom and with great joy in the telling. I genuflect in your direction. In nomine Patris et Filii et Spiritus Sancti, amen.
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Old 07-10-2012, 08:22 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pushrod View Post
The "Sign of the Wolf" and "Mark of the Donut" is still eluding me...

Are those 'Strom' things?
Yes, the resident expert on the VStrom website is GreyWolf, and he has his own logo, which he installed on the bike Norm bought. The Sign of the Donut is two magnetic Dunkin Donut signs Norm added.
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