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Old 07-08-2008, 08:19 AM   #1
seruzawa
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Default Movie Review: Hells Bloody Devils

Dudes and Dudettes,

Hells Bloody Bikers (available on Netflix) is a biker movie with almost all the essential elements one comes to expect from a top level bad biker flick. It's got incoherent plotting, wooden acting, old has-been movie stars (Broderick Crawford, Tom Brady, John Carradine) hot babes, breast shots, twin hot airhead babes, nazis, counterfeiting, beatings, easy sex! It's only missing one essential element.... Bikers! In over 90 minutes of running time there are about 15 minutes of Bikers. One of these Bikers (apparently the leader, it's hard to tell) rides a CB350 of all things. There are about 8 bikers total. The rest of the movies is an inane and incredibly boring spy yarn involving Nazis lead by the Count, who has a SoCal American accent, who are trying to resurrect the Third Reich by counterfeiting $20 bills.

This movie is so incredibly bad that it isn't even useful for MST3K purposes. Avoid this loser at all costs.

Dr Seruzawa's Movie Rating: *

(Rating in oxygen destroyer bombs)

***** Excellent
**** Pretty good.
*** Beats Pro Wrestling.
** What time is it?
* Bleech!
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Old 07-08-2008, 08:25 AM   #2
Buzglyd
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Originally Posted by seruzawa View Post
Dudes and Dudettes,

Hells Bloody Bikers (available on Netflix) is a biker movie with almost all the essential elements one comes to expect from a top level bad biker flick. It's got incoherent plotting, wooden acting, old has-been movie stars (Broderick Crawford, Tom Brady, John Carradine) hot babes, breast shots, twin hot airhead babes, nazis, counterfeiting, beatings, easy sex! It's only missing one essential element.... Bikers! In over 90 minutes of running time there are about 15 minutes of Bikers. One of these Bikers (apparently the leader, it's hard to tell) rides a CB350 of all things. There are about 8 bikers total. The rest of the movies is an inane and incredibly boring spy yarn involving Nazis lead by the Count, who has a SoCal American accent, who are trying to resurrect the Third Reich by counterfeiting $20 bills.

This movie is so incredibly bad that it isn't even useful for MST3K purposes. Avoid this loser at all costs.

Dr Seruzawa's Movie Rating: *

(Rating in oxygen destroyer bombs)

***** Excellent
**** Pretty good.
*** Beats Pro Wrestling.
** What time is it?
* Bleech!
How would it rate using the Joe Bob Briggs method?
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Old 07-08-2008, 08:48 AM   #3
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How would it rate using the Joe Bob Briggs method?
I'm afraid that even the estimable Joe Bob would give this one zero stars. There's not one single redeeming quality. Any laugh quotient is submerged by the interminable boredom of the entire mess.
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Old 07-08-2008, 09:08 AM   #4
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I'm afraid that even the estimable Joe Bob would give this one zero stars. There's not one single redeeming quality. Any laugh quotient is submerged by the interminable boredom of the entire mess.
Some boob shots and gratuitous violence could at least get it half a star.
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Old 07-08-2008, 09:31 AM   #5
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Some boob shots and gratuitous violence could at least get it half a star.
Well, go ahead. Rent this turkey. Be my guest.

Nobody enjoys a bad movie more than I do. But this disaster is as entertaining as a porno movie from which they removed all the sex scenes.
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Old 07-09-2008, 12:57 AM   #6
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Well, go ahead. Rent this turkey. Be my guest.

Nobody enjoys a bad movie more than I do. But this disaster is as entertaining as a porno movie from which they removed all the sex scenes.
I can't imagine The Best Little Wh0rehouse in Hong Kong without sex scenes...........
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Old 07-09-2008, 07:40 AM   #7
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Default F'n pervo's.....

This is a serious film chronicling the angst and exhileration of modern motorcycling..living on the edge in a hedonistic quest for self gratification a film of sweeping eloquance and subtle nuance..a masterpiece, worthy of Coppola, Spielberg and Lucas and all you worry about is if there's any nippage on display...I....I weep for our culture.....
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Old 07-09-2008, 10:31 AM   #8
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This is a serious film chronicling the angst and exhileration of modern motorcycling..living on the edge in a hedonistic quest for self gratification a film of sweeping eloquance and subtle nuance..a masterpiece, worthy of Coppola, Spielberg and Lucas and all you worry about is if there's any nippage on display...I....I weep for our culture.....
Which Movie Critic were you? The Fat guy, or the Skinny guy?
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Oderint Dum Metuant
Let them hate so long as they fear
политики предпочитают безоружных крестьян
Politicians Prefer Unarmed Peasants
Nothing to see here, Citizen. Move along now...
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Old 07-09-2008, 10:42 AM   #9
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Which Movie Critic were you? The Fat guy, or the Skinny guy?
He's the scurvy dog who always likes them thar rarified fancy-schmancy art films where people stare into mirrors for hours on end. He likes to eat frog legs while watching hours of that europhied hoity-toity. Right big fan of "L'Humanite'" he be.
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Old 07-09-2008, 11:01 AM   #10
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I have a theory that when a biker movie is soooo bad, it's actually good. You can get a lot of laughs out of some of those 60's and 70's biker flicks. I'm ordering it right up on Netflix!

Speaking of which, have you seen the ads for TV's upcoming new smash failure: "Sons of Anarchy?" One ad features some bozos doing burnouts to tattoo their logo into the pavement. Another commercial features a bozo riding along whilst arguing Constitutional principles with a guy in a truck. Which leads one to wonder, if you're an arnarchist, how come you're touting the Constitution as your protection? Umm..well...I guess I'll have to tune in and see.
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