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Old 12-09-2009, 06:16 PM   #1
seruzawa
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Default MO Movie Review: Hellcats.

Well, I thought that I had already seen the most boring biker movie ever made, but I have to say that Hellcats beats all. I got this as an MST3K disc and let me tell you if it weren't for Joel and the Robots that thing would be utterly unwatchable. I can see angry teenagers at the drive-in storming the box office and setting whole cities on fire.

Desultory is the word for this one. Bad acting? One chick couldn't even take off her bra off convincingly. But, don't let that spark your interest there is no nudity in this movie. Nada. Zip. Zero.

I guess there's a plot. It involves a sort of drug deal and some cops and some bikers. I also saw some new things. Like a 30-06 Remington that doesn't recoil and can kill someone when its not pointed at him. I saw that people will let themselves be held hostage by someone with an obviously empty revolver. I also saw that major drug gang leaders dress like Mr Howell from Gilligans Island.

There's supposed to be a grudge race between two rival gang members. However no one making the movie wanted to risk crashing a bike so the two rivals ride away off screen and instead we get to watch two biker gangs stare at each other in silence for a while. Then there's a fight between the leaders and then someone jumps in and yells "No more war" and everybody hugs. The gang's idea of a party is listening to Davey Jones... no shyt, Davey Jones does songs in this.... and doing the jerk and spraying beer foam on each other.

There's also a weird game where they tie guys between two trikes, start one of the trikes and see how long they can hold on before letting go. This also is done in the most boring way possible.

Don't get the idea that there's unintentional comedy in this. There's some but it isn't worth the slog. Even the MST3K guys couldn't come up with many riffs. Avoid this like the plague!

At least most the bikes aren't Japanese. However there's a classic BSA250 single. Apparently the producers liked the sound it made so much that every bike in the movie sounds like a BSA 250... Sportsters, Triumph650s... all sound like the same BSA250.

Pictures will explain all this better than I can:

Davey Jones!

By seruzawa at 2009-12-09

BSA 250. You'll be hearing this a lot


By seruzawa at 2009-12-09

Stripper! This is all you'll see


By seruzawa at 2009-12-09

By seruzawa at 2009-12-09

Drug boss!


By seruzawa at 2009-12-09

Biker Fashion!


By seruzawa at 2009-12-09

Biker Staredown!


By seruzawa at 2009-12-09

More biker Staredown. There is a lot of this.



Wild and Crazy biker Sex! This is all you'll see though.


By seruzawa at 2009-12-09
By seruzawa at 2009-12-09

Wild Biker Party!


By seruzawa at 2009-12-09

More party!


By seruzawa at 2009-12-09

Can't get enough party!


By seruzawa at 2009-12-09

Scary (unloaded) revolver!


By seruzawa at 2009-12-09

Joe Bob sez: NO FU! NADA!
I mean it. This one really hurts. I know that some people will watch it anyhow. If you do, don't blame me. I tried to warn you.
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Old 12-09-2009, 07:20 PM   #2
sarnali2
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Sh*t I thought you meant Hellcats O' the Navy

The only biker flic worth watching is The Wild One and that's only because of Lee Marvin and cool bikes. Marlin Brando is a total fag in that one even though he rides a Thunderbird. Most Brando flics are good but he definitely chokes the bone in that one
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Old 12-10-2009, 10:27 AM   #3
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Nice B50 (or 441) in that first pic.
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Old 12-10-2009, 10:33 AM   #4
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Clearly I need a furry white vest for riding.
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Old 12-10-2009, 10:47 AM   #5
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Quote:
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Nice B50 (or 441) in that first pic.
It's not a good picture, but it's the older BSA250 not the later Starfire or Victor. The movie was made just before the Starfire came out. I think it was the C15.
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Old 12-10-2009, 04:47 PM   #6
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A stone by any other name. I ruined the crank bearing on a Yamaha 180twin from towing one about 10 miles.

After we fixed the carb, then the zeiner diode went out, so we reverse-wired a 150 dream cycle silenum rectifier in it. Bolted it to the plastic Petty fender. Positive ground, remember that?

It was one of the worst bikes ever made, period. And the platform for the imfamous 441 Victim. Same lower end (!?)
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Old 12-10-2009, 05:03 PM   #7
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"But, don't let that spark your interest there is no nudity in this movie. Nada. Zip. Zero."

I'm out. I'll watch Stone Cold for my kicks. Funniest movie ever made. Nice mid 60's XLCH though.
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Old 12-10-2009, 06:07 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mscuddy View Post
A stone by any other name. I ruined the crank bearing on a Yamaha 180twin from towing one about 10 miles.

After we fixed the carb, then the zeiner diode went out, so we reverse-wired a 150 dream cycle silenum rectifier in it. Bolted it to the plastic Petty fender. Positive ground, remember that?

It was one of the worst bikes ever made, period. And the platform for the imfamous 441 Victim. Same lower end (!?)
My Uncle bought a 67 Starfire after a 12 year riding hiatus. He lived in Inglewood when it was still a livable place. So I rode out there a couple times and he let me ride it. It wheelied pretty easy. And I tore around the city a bit. He sold it and bought a Bonneville though before it exploded or anything. It was a fun bike. Too bad the Brits built nice looking crap.
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Old 12-10-2009, 10:54 PM   #9
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The problem was England is a small cold country with at that time mostly windy narrow roads. That's why Brit bikes are light weight and good handling, they were built for those roads and temperatures not running the crap out of them on freeways and 90+ temperatures.
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Old 12-10-2009, 11:39 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sarnali2 View Post
The problem was England is a small cold country with at that time mostly windy narrow roads. That's why Brit bikes are light weight and good handling, they were built for those roads and temperatures not running the crap out of them on freeways and 90+ temperatures.
How do you account for the futzy Lucas electrics in all the Brit stuff? Genetics? A really good Joke at the consumers expense? (Brit humour - you know I love it!)
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