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Old 06-26-2009, 04:53 PM   #1
schizuki
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Default New Transformers flick

If you're like me and you absolutely love summer sci-fi blockbusters, then walk, don't run, as far away from any theater showing this crap sandwich as fast as you can.

It is bad. Epically bad. Indescribably bad. My friend was actually angered by its awfulness. I was amused, principally because I've been inoculated to the worst effects of movie badness through my exposure to Ultraviolet. Once you've endured the jackhammer anal sodomy of that disaster, a quickie forced bl**job is easy to handle.

The "humor" was non-stop, and consisted primarily of sophisticated sight-gags involving dogs humping each other, a robot humping Megan Fox's leg, giant robot testicles, and a Jordanian midget. None of the gags related to, advanced, or enhanced the plot in any way.

Did you like Jar-Jar Binks in The Phantom Menace, but thought, "He just doesn't talk enough, and he needs to be a broader racist caricature"? Then you'll love "Skids" and "Mudflap", boo yah right, dawg, yo yo yo. Big crooked gold teeth and all. Even Martin Lawrence will be all, like, "Dayum!"

Do you think that women get entirely too much respect in this society? Then you'll love seeing glistening chicks arching and walking in slo-mo while all glisteny and stuff, and whose sole purpose and aspiration is to look hot and be slobbered over.

Are you an imbecile when it comes to geography? Then you'll have no problem with the notion that the Smithsonian Air and Space Museum in Washington, DC opens out onto an Arizona aircraft boneyard. Desert, distant mountains, everything.

Did you see Idiocracy and thought, "Amusing film, but the premise is far-fetched"? Sir, I offer you Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.
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Old 06-26-2009, 07:39 PM   #2
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And you thought that Michael Bay couldn't top "The Day After Tomorrow". The future is bright for the lovers of Bad Cinema. This year we've had 'The Day The Earth Stood Still', 'Pink Panther 2' and 'Dance Flick' at the very least. But on the bright side I don't think anything can best last year cinematic sewer sludge of a horribly painful movie.... 'Mamma Mia'. In fact I don't think anything will ever best 'Mamma Mia'. Not even 'Xanadu' comes close.
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Old 06-26-2009, 09:16 PM   #3
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Ebert said something like go into your kitchen, bang your pots and pans together, close your eyes and use your imagination, and you'll do better than this movie.

That's enough for me to stay away, despite the "cast".

Meanwhile, I spent the afternoon on a Chicago rooftop with a pool (great view), listening to the Cubs/Sox game, having a few quality brews. Now I'm home "relaxing" to the Flying Burrito Brothers. Love my pops for introducing me to some quality music.
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Old 06-27-2009, 06:01 AM   #4
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"Then you'll love seeing glistening chicks arching and walking in slo-mo while all glisteny and stuff, and whose sole purpose and aspiration is to look hot and be slobbered over."

Ok, you sold me!
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Old 06-28-2009, 09:07 AM   #5
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Thumbs up

Best. Review. Ever.
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Old 06-28-2009, 09:38 AM   #6
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I liked Ultraviolet, and Megan Fox is about as hot as they come. So I'll make up my own mind, thank you very much!
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Old 06-28-2009, 10:45 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by trenttheuncatchable View Post
I liked Ultraviolet
Don't take this the wrong way, but I'd like to open your skull and put a slice of your brain under a microscope.

8% on Rotten Tomatoes. A couple of my favorite blurbs:


Quote:
"After two years as your film critic, it's finally happened - a movie so utterly awful, I'm lost for words. Similar go-girl action flicks such as Aeon Flux, Catwoman and Electra confused, depressed and saddened me. But Milla Jovovich's new sci-fi flick makes those three turkeys look like The Godfather trilogy...Lordy mama, the thing's just unspeakable." - Daily Mirror

"Ultraviolet is a compendium of critic's clichés given literal life on screen. The script isn't simply nonsensical, or confused, or poorly structured. It's actual nonsense. The acting isn't under-powered, or pretentious, or half-hearted. It's laugh-out-loud ludicrous. The CGI isn't slightly cheap or poorly detailed - it's Playstation quality. And so on." - BBC

Here's all you have to know about Ultraviolet - the director, Kurt Wimmer, also directed the not-altogether-disastrous Equilibrium, and both films feature "Gunkata" - a gun-based martial art created by Wimmer.

Gunkata.

Ugh.
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Old 06-28-2009, 02:11 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by schizuki View Post
Don't take this the wrong way, but I'd like to open your skull and put a slice of your brain under a microscope.
It looks like Trent has that designer virus that is sweeping the fanboy community. It creates a delusion the Megan Fox is super hot instead of a coke burnout that looks 10 years older than she is.

Time for the antidote. Take 3 of these:







and call me in the morning.
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Old 06-28-2009, 07:36 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by seruzawa View Post
I would Hit That like the Fist of an Angry God.................

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Old 06-28-2009, 07:51 PM   #10
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Prieeeeeeeeeeeeeeest!!!
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