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Old 12-27-2008, 10:17 PM   #1
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Default Movie Review: Six String Samurai

MPAA Rating: PG-13
Genre: Post-Apocalyptic-Chop-Socky-Rock-N-Roll-Action-Flick.
Colour: 90 minutes.

Starring Jeffry Falcon as "Buddy" (Holly), Ritchie Valens as himself, Sarnali as Josef Stalin, Wolfman-Jack as "The DJ", Vin Diesel as the Leader of the "Pin Pals", Slash as "Death/Tophat"; with various members of Poison and Cinderella performing the roles of "Satan's Little Helpers" while armed with recurve-bows.

Music (and Cameo[s]) by The Red Elvises ( Red Elvises -- Kick Ass Rokenrol from Siberia! ) (Nice Shoes!)

OK, as boredom has officially set in, and I can't swing a leg across a bike to save my life right now (nor for the last three months - don't F'n ask), and as everybody ELSE here seems to be doin' a gig like this..........

To watch it, I finally managed to collect enough cables and a wi-fi card to rig up my crapbox-computer to the widescreen in the front room, and my surround-sound system. With the 2nd-tier and higher NetFlix account, you get unlimited "Watch Instantly" downloads on select movies in-addition to them mailing you DVDs, so I've been really burnin' up some bandwidth over the last week.

In 1957, the Russkies bombed us back into the corn age. The last Bastion of Civilization, Mom, Apple Pie, and Rock-N-Roll (and a damn good roadside diner) is Lost Wages, NV, ruled by The King hisself, baby (who conveniently dies off-camera without leaving so much as a Lisa-Marie to carry-on his flashy Dynasty of Much too Much).

Our GuitarSword-wielding Hero (Buddy) is making his way across the burnin' wasteland of Nevada to take his rightful place as the next Rock-N-Roll King of Las Vegas. Along the way, he has to deal with grunting, persistent neo-cavemen, a 10-yo boy/sidekick who speaks only "Uuuunh!"-ese for the first half of the movie, a few other "contenders" to the Throne, and the inept-minions of Tophat/Death - who wants the Throne for his own, to usher-in "The ways of Heavy Metal!" There's also a few sleazy, dirty cheerleaders and a body-building midget thrown in for good measure.

Very good cinematography for a low-budget film. There actually seems to be a plot, and the Director does his best to keep the movie rolling-along. When the early-'50s Plymouth our heroes stole "dies", the boy finds a cool-as-Fonzie, MadMax'd-out ring-a-ding-ding '70s 2-smoke to motor-about on, until they lowside it for no apparent reason. (Motorcycle Content!)

The Martial Arts Action is acceptable, especially for a bunch of White Guys - and actually seems to improve as the movie progresses, possibly as the actors learned a few moves as it was filmed. No real blood or killing - the Director took a lesson from Hitchc0ck and let all the worst atrocities happen in your mind. No flashy special effects: just well-placed camera angles, and a fight-choreographer that knows one or two things about what he's doing.

On a scale of 1 to 10, 6 being the highest possible score for Caucasions in this Category, I give it a "B+".

Things to watch for:

"Caveman Catapault" throwing gumballs and jawbreaker-candies, and an occasional vinyl LP.

Cool Guitars.

The crazy "spacesuit" get-up that the "Windmill Men" wear - made from recycled fishbowls, vacuum-cleaner hose, and Culligan water-cooler bottles.

Favourite lines:

Tophat: "They were my Best Bowlers. The one with the Four Eyes will be hard to defeat........"

Komrade mElvis: "What's the matter, Komrade Death?"

Tophat: "YOU! I asked you to Kill ONE simple Guitarist, and what do I get? Dead Bald Guys. You four have Failed me for the Last..... Nice Shoes...." (draws sword)

Komrade mElvis: "Uh-oh........"

Cannibal Dad: "Why Harriet! Look who's come to Dinner! Why, it's Wally Fish-Finder and his little boy, Jen! How. The Hell. Are you, Boy?"

Buddy: "I suppose you don't have a Ratchet in that bag, Right?"

Cannibal Dad: "How the Hell are ya' Boy-HEY! (whispers) Ever finish payin' off that new Plymouth of yours? I tell ya', I sure hope to HELL you didn't go to one of those boys on the Line - They seen you comin' a MILE away; ready t' EAT'CHA Alive! Those Plymouth Dealers will tell ya they're cuttin' ya' a break - when all they're doin' is FATTENIN' you up for the SLAUGHTER..................."
Parfois, on fait pas semblant
Sometimes, it's not pretend
Oderint Dum Metuant
Let them hate so long as they fear
политики предпочитают безоружных крестьян
Politicians Prefer Unarmed Peasants
Nothing to see here, Citizen. Move along now...

Last edited by The_AirHawk : 12-27-2008 at 11:20 PM.
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Old 12-28-2008, 06:04 AM   #2
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See preview here: http://www.badmovies.org/multimedia/...stringsam1.mpg
"Make no mistake, Communism lost a big argument - one we know today as the 20th century."
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Old 12-28-2008, 06:24 PM   #3
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Good work AirHawk! It's in the queue!
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