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Old 12-27-2008, 03:36 PM   #1
seruzawa
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Default Movie Review: Wild Riders

Available on Netflix, Wild Riders is an adventure into into boredom. It takes place in what Roger Ebert calls an idiot universe.... a universe where everyone must be an idiot for the plot to develop. It opens with a promising scene in the deep south (a part of the deep south that looks suspiciously like southern California) where a girl is tied to a tree and tortured by a suspiciously clean pair of bikers while the rest of the gang cheers them on. The girl dies and the gang decides to kick to two torturers out even though they had been cheering them... never mind.

Suddenly we are at Griffith Park Observatory where the two bikers see a couple of women sunbathing by their backyard pool in the Hollywood hills. How they managed to ride 60's Britbike choppers all the way from Florida to LA without any sign of having tools, spares, money, spare clothes, etc is not explained. The two ride to the women's house and manage to gain access in one of the most unbelievable pickup scenes ever put to celluloid.

From here the movie spends most of its time in the house where to bikers harass the girls, although one of the girls invites them or not, who can tell. All this is done in the most desultory fashion imaginable.

Bad (non-existent) acting. Bad dialogue. Bad blocking. No plot. One would think this might make a campy classic, but alas this is not to be. Sort of like a 70s Lifetime Channel "woman in distress" movie but less entertaining and even two robots for pals won't stave off the boredom. If you can get through more than an hour of this sleep-inducing torture there is a bit of a pay-off when the one girl's cellist (don't ask me to explain) husband wreaks his revenge.

Score:

Gratuitous Breastshots- 4
Deaths- 5
Desultory Rapes- 3
Bodyshirt wearing neighbors- 1
Martial Arts Babes- 1
Corrupt Art Dealers - 1
Joints smoked- 2

Rating: One Oxygen Destroyer Bomb (Maximum possible rating is 10 Bombs for the biker classic "Stone Cold")

Included on the Netflix disc is another little gem called "Hustler Squad". In this foray into exploitation crapola, US Army enlists hookers to assassinate some Japanese High Brass in the Philippines. At least I think it was the Philippines. It sounds like a promising idea for an exploitation movie. The concept is a lot more interesting than the execution. Trust me on this.

Unless you are the sort of person who has to see every bad movie ever made avoid these atrocities. I mean it. If you must watch them be sure to invite several drunken friends over and try to make an MST3K party out of it. I wish I had.

WARNING: Do not use as Date Movies.
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Old 12-27-2008, 07:14 PM   #2
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Don't ever diss Stone Cold man. That movie is the standard by which all others are measured.
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Old 12-27-2008, 09:09 PM   #3
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Don't ever diss Stone Cold man. That movie is the standard by which all others are measured.
Diss it? I gave it 10 bombs man! Classic biker icon. Bow down to William Forsyth!
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Old 12-28-2008, 05:45 PM   #4
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Damn you, now I'm going to have to click over to NetFlix and put this in the queue. Never forget the Klazy Ken Theory of Inverse Movie Quality: "If a movie is sucks badly enough, it can be entertaining simply because it sucks." Or something like that.
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Old 12-28-2008, 09:34 PM   #5
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Damn you, now I'm going to have to click over to NetFlix and put this in the queue. Never forget the Klazy Ken Theory of Inverse Movie Quality: "If a movie is sucks badly enough, it can be entertaining simply because it sucks." Or something like that.
Well, you can't say I didn't warn you. I am a bad movie buff and have a collection of crap from "Creature From The Black Lagoon" to "White Zombie" to a fair number of MST3Ks. But these two.... yeeech. Not even much joke value. Sort of like a low budget "Gigli". Man, these hurt. "Space Mutiny" was a relative masterpiece.
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Old 12-31-2008, 08:12 AM   #6
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Seruzawa, you ignorant slot. I reviewed this fine collection of 1970's cinematic art in the privacy of my own home last night, and found it to be an outstanding representation of the final, dying gasps of the Drive-In Theater culture.

The DVD opens with the musical classic: "Let's go out to the lobby." You remember:

"Let's go out to the lobby,
Let's go out to the lobby,
Let's go out to the lobby,
And get ourselves a treat!"

The popcorn and beverages were dancing around, the 4 member nuclear white family stared longingly at the sparkling beverages, and the "popcorn can't be beat!" I was immediately compelled to pause the DVD and go out and microwave some Redenbacker.

Then came a "Mighty Mouse" cartoon from the 1930's, maybe early 1940's. Maybe it was a WWII era...because it certainly had a lot of militaristic weirdness like wolves who had giant cannons coming out of the roof of their shack. The storyline was gripping: four hungry wolves wanted to eat a baby sheep. To deceive the sheep, one of the wolves dressed up as Litte Bo Peep. At this point, the writers gave us an almost Kubrikian paradox: as the lead male wolf strapped on a huge breast prosthetic and donned women's clothes, the other male wolves suddenly became completely aroused and began to sexually pursue him. At this juncture, I asked my son to leave the room and return to regularly schedule Cartoon Network programming.

Finally, the Main Feature appeared. Essentially, it was a 1970's porn flick without the sex. Not that I would personally know what a 1970's porn flick was like, having been in my early teens. The only way someone like me in a small town like Cocoa Beach could have even seen a movie like that would have been to drive way out of town to a road behind a drive-in theater that showed X-rated movies and then hiked through palmetto scrub and sandspur bushes to sneak a peek through the fence that...never mind.

So, after about 15 minutes of the main feature I couldn't stomach any more and flipped off the DVD player. Seruzawa, if you made it through both of those movies, you're a stronger man than I.
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Old 12-31-2008, 08:35 AM   #7
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So, after about 15 minutes of the main feature I couldn't stomach any more and flipped off the DVD player. Seruzawa, if you made it through both of those movies, you're a stronger man than I.
There is no limit to the lengths the Doctor will go through to give fellow MOrons accurate biker movie reporting. Plus, 2x speed on the DVD player softens the pain.
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Old 12-31-2008, 08:37 AM   #8
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Ladies and gentlemen, I offer you: Blood Freak!

I saw this on TCM at 2am a few nights ago. Pure genius.

Here's a quick run down that Amazon offers:
The world's only turkey-monster/anti-drug/pro-Jesus/gore film! Musclebound Herschel (former Tarzan Steve Hawkes) falls under the spell of bad girl Ann when she offers him some weed. Now a writhing, spastic addict, the big galoot works at a turkey farm where he's fed meat treated with an experimental drug and naturally turns into a man with a giant turkey head. Who also gobbles. Still hungry for a fix, Herschel-the-Turkey-Man attacks fellow drug addicts whose blood he drinks with his pointy little turkey beak. He even buzzsaws the leg off a pusher who holds his stump and howls for what seems like days. Punctuated by philosophical pondering by co-director Brad Grinter (Flesh Feast), this is a monster movie unlike any other, a jaw-dropping milestone in crackpot filmmaking, and the ultimate cinematic turkey. Gobble-gobble!

NetFlix has it:
Netflix Online Movie Rentals - Rent DVDs, Classic Films to DVD New Releases
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Old 12-31-2008, 10:58 AM   #9
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Great reviews! You guys should be on SOUP or some other actor-baiting show that disses the great ones. My personal favorite for all time bad movies is "Cattle Queen From Montana" where Ronnie Raygun stumbles down a slight hill in his cowboy boots that wasn't edited out. Classic! Then there was the imfamouse "Beast with two heads" that teamed up Rosie Grier with Ray Milland (at the eclipse of Ray's acting ability I might add). Oooh, scary kids (as Count Floyd would say).
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Old 12-31-2008, 12:01 PM   #10
seruzawa
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BrowningBAR View Post
Ladies and gentlemen, I offer you: Blood Freak!

I saw this on TCM at 2am a few nights ago. Pure genius.

Here's a quick run down that Amazon offers:
The world's only turkey-monster/anti-drug/pro-Jesus/gore film! Musclebound Herschel (former Tarzan Steve Hawkes) falls under the spell of bad girl Ann when she offers him some weed. Now a writhing, spastic addict, the big galoot works at a turkey farm where he's fed meat treated with an experimental drug and naturally turns into a man with a giant turkey head. Who also gobbles. Still hungry for a fix, Herschel-the-Turkey-Man attacks fellow drug addicts whose blood he drinks with his pointy little turkey beak. He even buzzsaws the leg off a pusher who holds his stump and howls for what seems like days. Punctuated by philosophical pondering by co-director Brad Grinter (Flesh Feast), this is a monster movie unlike any other, a jaw-dropping milestone in crackpot filmmaking, and the ultimate cinematic turkey. Gobble-gobble!

NetFlix has it:
Netflix Online Movie Rentals - Rent DVDs, Classic Films to DVD New Releases
Next on the agenda: Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter. It includes some motorcycle riding which makes it MO material. Mary Magdalene in red latex... hubba hubba.
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