Senior Columnist Gabe Ets-Hokin is recovering from a large blood-plasma sale. In his place is this roundup of world motorcycling news.
Washington, D.C. (AP) – Trump administration officials promised the American motorcycling public a “perfect motorcycle” that will be in dealerships soon. The motorcycle will be cheaper, faster, lighter, better-looking, made in the USA of all USA-made components, and offers a myriad of other benefits.
At a rally in Spartanburg, South Carolina, earlier this week, President Trump told an enthusiastic crowd that the motorcycle would be “really fantastic folks… it’s going to be so light, so smooth, so easy to ride, you won’t believe it. Believe me, this will really be a marvelous bike. It’ll be so great you’ll say, ‘for God’s sake somebody put me on a GS500E already, I’m so tired of riding such a wonderful motorcycle.'”
Transportation Secretary Elaine Chao confirmed the Administration’s latest program, titled “Make American Motorcycles Great Again.” The motorcycles will be manufactured in the new Trump-financed resort/manufacturing city of USA (Guangdong province, People’s Republic of China) out of locally sourced parts. Designed by Jared Kushner, the motorcycle is based on the 1985 Suzuki Madura, except the Trump product will be completely gold plated.
Buyers who make more than $9,975,000 annually will be able to finance the motorcycle’s $114,000 MSRP by using the 1993 Adams/Davidson Tax Abatement and Securities act, which allows a minority share of fungible transportation assets to be repurchased by an offshore shell corporation and then re-registered to a domestic 501(c)(3) organization. Using GAAP principles, the resulting depreciative losses can be rolled into 83 non-consecutive quarters on a pro-rata, per-diem basis, netting a tax savings of up to $37 million a year. Secretary Chao emphasized that the motorcycle should “under no circumstances” be ridden by a human being, as that will violate Federal law.
When pressed for more details, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer rolled his eyes and said, “Look, the president already said it: it will be the greatest moto-cycle ever. Much better than a Suzikiha or Hargly Darbbleson or whatever. Are you stupid or something?” He then picked up the offending reporter and crushed him into a soft pulp with his huge green fists before stuffing the lifeless remains into his great, churning maw. There were no further questions.
Middletown, CT (UPI) – A collection of scooters, mopeds and small-displacement motorcycles demonstrated outside Wesleyan University yesterday, demanding “safe parking spaces” where small powered two-wheelers would feel secure while their riders were in class. Although there was at least one clash with opposing demonstrators, there were few dents, broken mirrors or other injuries.
“Down with big-displacement hegemony!” shouted Sintheea People, a 3-year-old Kymco scooter. “We demand separate, safe parking spaces, where large-displacement motorcycles can’t lean menacingly on their sidestands, threatening oppressed minority two-wheeled vehicles parked on our centerstands! Hashtag don’tleantowardmefascist!”
In a statement, the Anti Big-Displacement League (popularly known as “AntiBi”) declared small-displacement motorized two-wheelers would no longer be complacent when forced to park next to larger motorcycles, especially those with unmuffled exhausts. Although the AntiBi platform condemns violence, many of the scooters were wearing stickers stating, “we punch meanies in the nose!”
“That’s jes’ fine,” declared Mike Softail, a battered 44-year old Harley-Davidson who rode 150 miles to assert his right to park next to a scooter. “They can try to punch me. I may leak oil and only start half the time, but I can still punch back.” University parking officials set up barriers to prevent bike-on-bike violence after a Chinese-built moped set itself on fire to protest treatment of scooters at a Harley-Davidson rally last weekend.
Earlier this week, Wesleyen University officials cancelled a planned speech by Willem Arninety, a BMW motorcycle and author of We Know Nuthink!, a revisionist history that attempts to soften the role of the BMW R75 in the Second World War. The cancellation was announced after thousands of students’ scooters staged a “park-in,” shutting down the faculty parking lot and causing the chancellor to miss an anniversary dinner with his wife.
“We will not back down,” said a 5-year-old Honda named Mindy Metropolitan. “Scooter lives matter. Free Mumia!”
DAYTONA, FL, March 7, 2021 (AMA Press Release) – On a sunny Sunday, in a stadium packed with seats, the 78th running of the GEICO National Guard Waffle House PediFix Wart Pad SuperSportBike Daytona 200 came to a rousing conclusion as Darla Florence, 81, of DeLand, FL, smashed records to become the oldest, slowest and least-aware winner of the historic event.
In front of a conscious crowd of a dozen (including overseas live webfeed viewers and Randall, who was watering the infield golf course), Florence — the first racer to enter the event in two years — smashed numerous standing records, as well as breaking some new ones.
Florence, who has no sponsors, is the oldest winner in history, the second woman to win, the first winner in a mobility scooter, the first competitor to win after riding one lap backwards, the first competitor to win after cutting across the infield looking for the restrooms, and the first competitor to leave immediately after winning a race without collecting a trophy. She is also the first winner to smoke menthol cigarettes during the race since 1972.
The race was exciting, harkening back to the early days before there were rules, organized competitors, or an actual racetrack. Just 12 minutes after the start flag, Florence drove onto the track through the infield tunnel, almost striking Randall. She then turned into the infield, knocking aside a barrier that had been in place since 2019, the last time motorcycle racers entered the event. She then drove through more barriers and started driving on the banking, reaching speeds of over 11 mph.
“We were pretty worried about tire choice,” said Elmer “Wheels” Hansen, sales rep for Carlisle Golf Cart tires who was servicing golf carts in the infield and noticed Florence’s scooter. “The ribbed-tread 6-inch by 1.25-inch tires she’s running are only speed-rated to 8.5 mph, so we were worried about tread-separation issues on the banking. We tried to get her to pit, but she didn’t understand what we were saying and started blowing a rape whistle, which is when she turned the cart around and cut back across the infield to the start/finish line.” Even though she had only completed less than one third of a lap, race officials called the race, as there was little chance anyone else would enter and happy hour was almost over at the Red Lobster.
Florence could not be reached for a post-race interview, but a call to her cell phone yielded the following statement: “Three-Eight-Six-Four-Two-One-Two-One-Two-Nine is unavailable. To send a fax, press pound.” AMA Pro Racing officials have already pre-entered her in the remaining AMA event of the 2021 season, the September Castrol Doan’s Pills Ryder Truck Rental All Hail our Alien Overlords New Jersey Motorsports Park SuperSportSupermoto Monster Truck Jam, doubling the number of entries.
Gabe Ets-Hokin feels every word of criticism posted online like a titanium icepick driven deep into his soul, scarring his inner child and crushing his chakras.