When in Rome...

I decided to go with Bici & Baci, a small rental shop near Rome's massive central train station. Owner Claudio Sarra not only speaks English that is far superior to my Italian (actually, there is a trained gorilla named "Guiseppe" in the Naples zoo that speaks better Italian than I do), he also answered the phone when I called him. This attention to detail and superior customer service made his shop an easy choice, so I made the reservations weeks before my trip.

Apparently there is something called an "International Driver's License", and it's very easy to get one. It's basically just a card that has a translation of your entire driver license's information on it in several languages, and not an official government document. I didn't bother getting one, and it was never an issue in Italy, although other countries might not be so laissez-faire . I hear the Germans tend to get pretty worked up over proper documentation.

We navigated the surprisingly good (and unofficially free) Roman bus system (the subway is good too, but it mostly connects the business center of the city to the outlying suburbs) to the train station and found Claudio's tiny shop, which is located on a confusing side street that somehow manages to be one way in both directions (this is something you will understand only once you have been to Rome). It's crammed with scooters of all descriptions, along with tchotchkes, books and other scooter memorabilia.

That didn't keep them from outfitting us in matching helmets and getting us out on the street in a very short time. The mount was a Kymco Movie 125, although I had fantasies of getting a buzzy little high-performance two-stroker to zip around on. No dice: according to Claudio, the days of the two-stroke small-displacement scooter is quickly coming to an end in Rome, and the four-stroke 50 and 100cc scooters are too underpowered to carry passengers safely on the ancient, yet mean streets.

We make a left, a right, go down a block, make another right, and then it's a left, and then we can't go the direction we wanted to because of the bus lane, and then it's a one way the wrong direction, and then we go left, and then right, and then we're back at the giant hideous monument to King Emmanuelle for the third time in ten minutes.

As versatile as this bike was, for two large adults I'd have preferred a bigger bike with better suspension. Rome has bumpy pavement, potholes big enough to roast a suckling pig in, and its cobblestones look picturesque, but will have you begging for mercy if you attack them at high speeds on a small-wheeled, overloaded scooter. A machine with bigger wheels, like the Kymco People or Piaggio Beverly (which Claudio also stocks), would be a better choice if your companion won't pilot two wheels of their own.

Rome is confusing. Like many old cities, it was laid out by people building their houses wherever they wanted to, which would prompt other people to build onto their walls. As the city grew, various prelates, emperors and popes knocked streets and boulevards through various neighborhoods, clearing areas and building on top of others to build their palaces, churches and monuments. The result is a confusing array of alleys, squares and long boulevards that veer off in random directions and change names every other block. Knowing the names doesn't really help, as they are long and unpronounceable and the street signs are tastefully inscribed in small marble tablets attached 20 feet in the air on the side of buildings. It makes me wonder why American mailmen go berserk, when their Italian counterparts don't. They must drink a lot. It's expensive to buy European GPS maps, but if you have a portable GPS I heartily recommend getting one, unless you enjoy being lost somewhere where you don't speak the language.

Communication settled, let's discuss driving or riding in Rome. To the untrained eye, Roman traffic seems like some kind of full-sized flea circus, a chaotic mass of daredevils, stunt drivers and lunatics disguised as nuns, cab drivers and spike-heeled, scooter-riding fashion models. People ignore speed limits, stop signs, one-way street signs, curbs, and sometimes even the laws of physics themselves; how else can a pair of nuns on a 50cc Vespa pass a seasoned roadracer and motojournalist in a corner while carrying shopping bags?

- Lane Splitting is good.

I think lane-splitting is much safer for motorcyclists than following the fat asses of cars in traffic jams is (California, the only state where it is legal, has the same number of crashes per registered motorcycle, but the mis-guided hysteria-crats and public in our fair nation have banned it outside my enlightened home state.) In Italy, if you don't do it you are looked at like a vegetarian in Texas. To "lane split" in Italy means to just go to the front of the traffic queue, as long as there is any room, anywhere. Ride on the double yellow line, ride in between traffic and parked cars, get an inch from the bus or street cars, hell, ride on the sidewalk or through the park. Nobody seems to care. Whee!

- Being passed by anybody in or on anything is a direct affront to your man or womanhood.

Scooters, as silly and effeminate as they may appear to some of our less-enlightened readers, are supremely evolved urban transportation tools, which means they are not just fun but incredibly practical as well. With a scooter, a determined couple of tourists can see much of Rome while avoiding the inconvenience of parking or waiting for a tour group. With a scooter, you can discover the tiny, picturesque neighborhoods, markets and restaurants that are off the beaten path in addition to seeing the more popular destinations.

Just be sure you bring a map, a sense of adventure and plenty of courage. However, despite the initial intimidation, riding a scooter in Rome (or any large Italian city) will be memorable and a fun glimpse at how a different culture tackles urban transportation problems.

Bici & Baci is located at five Via del Viminale in Rome. They may be reached by phone by dialing 39 06 4828443, faxed at 39 06 48986162, or just emailed at [email protected].

They are in their office daily (well, they're supposed to be, anyway) every day from 8:00 a.m. to 7:00 p.m, GMT plus two, or nine hours ahead of Pacific Standard Time. Scooter rental prices vary by model, day and season, so be sure to visit their website at http://www.bicibaci.com/.